Courage and the Coward

My father was a small man that lived like a giant. His wife adored him. I was their youngest child. Together they built a world that few ever saw into – except their children. The saddest part is that many of their children didn’t have the courage to fully look either. What is the differenceContinue reading “Courage and the Coward”

Vain & Empty Success

When I was a teenager, I heard the other girls talking about what kind of house they would live in, if it would have a fence or not and when they thought they’d be married. I had no such notions. I just needed to get out of my parents’ home alive. All through the years,Continue reading “Vain & Empty Success”

The Fermented Juice of Jealousy

I don’t understand how an adult can have jealousy towards love given to a child. Of course, I believe that homes of incest don’t really offer love either. Nonetheless, my mother was desperately jealous of any time my father gave to me. How sick and wrong is that? Jealousy is a curse that was bornContinue reading “The Fermented Juice of Jealousy”

The Gift Waiting, When I Used My Voice

When I first began talking about my past, I was envious of those who did wrong in my life. It felt like they had all the power and I had none. Their schemes were being played out right before my very eyes. My words, my Truth, did not seem to deter them. They were prosperousContinue reading “The Gift Waiting, When I Used My Voice”

The Persuasion of Punishment

“Why didn’t you tell somebody if your abuse was so bad?” These clever folks speak to you about something they know nothing of – being a child of severe sexual, physical and psychological abuse. Do they not understand the fear that was instilled into my little being? Not only was my body pierced by theContinue reading “The Persuasion of Punishment”

What Was My Reward?

As I tell my story, I’m also listening to the stories of others. A common theme is the need for the abuser’s validation or some form of love that brings a sense of reconciliation. I’m abhorred at that. If God is involved in the situation, I can see His love coming in and helping theContinue reading “What Was My Reward?”

That’s Because I’m Stupid

Growing up, I can’t remember a time when I was told I was stupid, but I always knew my family thought I was. I was too stupid to create a thought of my own, so they needed to tell me what to think. I was too dumb to figure out pretty much anything, so myContinue reading “That’s Because I’m Stupid”

Disabled By My Abilities

I have endured too much abuse at the hands of others because of my dissociative behaviors. Let me explain. “Dissociation means simultaneously knowing and not knowing.” Body keeps the score, VAN der kolk, m.d., page 121 You read that right. “When you don’t feel real nothing matters, which makes it impossible to protect yourself fromContinue reading “Disabled By My Abilities”

The Clowns of Mockery

“Who are you to tell our story? Incest is a family secret. You have no right to share it.” These are the voices of the clowns that try to impede my path to healing. “You’re fat and you should worry about that! You’re sick because of what you came from; that will never change.” OnContinue reading “The Clowns of Mockery”

Boxing With My Fear

Realizing that other people can think and feel differently from us is a huge developmental step for two- and three-year olds. . . . Without flexible, active frontal lobes people become creatures of habit, and their relationships become superficial and routine. . . . The more intense the visceral, sensory input from the emotional brain,Continue reading “Boxing With My Fear”