A Pool of Blood

Memories, memories, memories. Memories did not light the corner of my mind like the song indicates. In fact, memories have darkened my life for years. There is so much discussion around memories. Do you trust them? Where do they come from? Did you manufacture them? The answer to all such nonsense is this: Do youContinue reading “A Pool of Blood”

Useless

Going back and asking your abusers to help you is about as much good as a wet match. I witnessed a murder. I watched a woman leave this planet. She took her last breathe while I was watching. That’s a wretched thing to leave undone. As I’ve written, my father’s best friend at the time,Continue reading “Useless”

D E A T H

And, despair. My childhood was plagued with signs of it. Beyond my reoccurring nightmare of my father raping a woman, I did many other strange things trying to work out this mysterious puzzle that I hid inside me. Trauma takes on funny ways of revealing itself when it is outside of your mind’s eye. TheContinue reading “D E A T H”

Glory in the Goal

Redeeming my past is a journey, not a destination. When I have memories return because I have allowed them free reign in my being now, it can be challenging. Successful processing of traumatic memories allows you to say, “The traumatic event happened, it happened to me, and it is over now. The complex ptsd workbook,Continue reading “Glory in the Goal”

Faithless Deeds of Darkness

My father took my virginity and he also taught me about god. I’ve obviously struggled a great deal to learn the God of the bible. He is not the god my father knew. In my very early years, my parents were without any form of godliness. After the murder and after we moved into theContinue reading “Faithless Deeds of Darkness”

Beautiful Decay

My mind was a suspicious, surprising tool. In my early years, it spent all its time hiding away my family secrets and blending in other, more palatable scenes in order to survive. This Kenny Rogers song reminds me of that: Daytime Friends Daytime friends and nighttime lovers. Hoping no one else discovers. Where they go,Continue reading “Beautiful Decay”

The Well of My Soul

I believe that God saw that I was unloved as a child. That’s why He found me. The well of my tiny soul had no water and my eyes gave no light. Then, I met Him. In my room at the age of three, pegged against a wall of suffering, waiting for my body toContinue reading “The Well of My Soul”

A Treasury of Trust

No deposit was ever made in me as a child from my parents that would have led me to believe in trust. That’s a great big inadequacy in a human being. Another broken spot. Another spec folks find in me and place additional blame and just another place to find no meaning. As I satContinue reading “A Treasury of Trust”

Courage and the Coward

My father was a small man that lived like a giant. His wife adored him. I was their youngest child. Together they built a world that few ever saw into – except their children. The saddest part is that many of their children didn’t have the courage to fully look either. What is the differenceContinue reading “Courage and the Coward”

Vain & Empty Success

When I was a teenager, I heard the other girls talking about what kind of house they would live in, if it would have a fence or not and when they thought they’d be married. I had no such notions. I just needed to get out of my parents’ home alive. All through the years,Continue reading “Vain & Empty Success”