murder – A Prisoner By No Crime of My Own

Scream

I need to scream, I want to scream, but I find that I cannot. Won’t that kind of anger make me like my father? Won’t I look like my abusers if I let my scream fly? I’ve cried for hours, seems like days sometimes. Maybe I need to scream? I remember my counselor of manyContinue reading “Scream”

How Do I Forgive A Liar?

Dear Heavenly Father, This earthy family I came through stands with the lies that surround our incestuous past. I am angered at their lack of attempts to join forces with me against evil. Not only do they not walk with me, they actively try to discredit me. Why? They cannot listen to my story, becauseContinue reading “How Do I Forgive A Liar?”

The Clowns of Mockery

“Who are you to tell our story? Incest is a family secret. You have no right to share it.” These are the voices of the clowns that try to impede my path to healing. “You’re fat and you should worry about that! You’re sick because of what you came from; that will never change.” OnContinue reading “The Clowns of Mockery”

The Crime Scene

This is the motel where she was murdered. I’ve driven by thousands of times during my life. I’m so tired of seeing that run down place but the constant reminder is part of what helped push me toward healing. I think I’m ready to move on now but I have to leave her behind. IContinue reading “The Crime Scene”

Glory in the Goal

Redeeming my past is a journey, not a destination. When I have memories return because I have allowed them free reign in my being now, it can be challenging. Successful processing of traumatic memories allows you to say, “The traumatic event happened, it happened to me, and it is over now. The complex ptsd workbook,Continue reading “Glory in the Goal”

The Rudimentary Need for Evidence

I’ve worked in law firms for over 30 years. I’ve watched cases won, rights be fully restored and Indian casinos opened in return for what was taken. What I have never seen is evidence manufactured. Lack of evidence is a devastating theme in the world of childhood trauma. Whatever the crime, scarcely is there evidenceContinue reading “The Rudimentary Need for Evidence”

Apart From Death

Do coincidences exist? I am writing a book about the death and life of a woman I watched be murdered, so I buy and read books to learn how to write. I order a second hand copy of My Dark Places by James Ellroy to research. The book is about the author’s mother who wasContinue reading “Apart From Death”

U C U

I couldn’t help being born into people who would put me in a prison by their crimes. But, I can do something about what I now spend my time gazing at and it’s not them. They say we have no control over the past and it’s true. I can tell my story now as aContinue reading “U C U”

The Death of My Inner Child

There has been a lot recovery work around finding and healing your inner child. If you give it a quick Google search you get about 22,500,000 returns. I was probably five or six when my dad decided that we had too many cats in the world and he needed to rid us from the burdenContinue reading “The Death of My Inner Child”

The Stench of Guilt

The problem with sexual abuse and crimes that are perpetrated by family members is that most of their victims take the responsibility for the action of that member. This should not be! I had a dream last night that I was driving in a truck with my father (now deceased) and the other man whoContinue reading “The Stench of Guilt”