The Persuasion of Punishment

“Why didn’t you tell somebody if your abuse was so bad?” These clever folks speak to you about something they know nothing of – being a child of severe sexual, physical and psychological abuse. Do they not understand the fear that was instilled into my little being? Not only was my body pierced by theContinue reading “The Persuasion of Punishment”

What Was My Reward?

As I tell my story, I’m also listening to the stories of others. A common theme is the need for the abuser’s validation or some form of love that brings a sense of reconciliation. I’m abhorred at that. If God is involved in the situation, I can see His love coming in and helping theContinue reading “What Was My Reward?”

I Wasn’t Born with Integrity

I had to learn early to just do the next right thing. It wasn’t that easy coming from the territory I came from. My parents’ lessons taught me many things, but integrity, unfortunately, wasn’t among the list. I grew up knowing how to manipulate to get what I needed. That’s what they did. I wasn’tContinue reading “I Wasn’t Born with Integrity”

The Lone Survivor

Incest is a particularly cruel beast. I wasn’t just subjected to inhumane treatment at the hands of my family, I also had to choose what side of the road I was going to stand on. For years, I tried to stay with that corrupt family. It just didn’t work for me. I learned later thatContinue reading “The Lone Survivor”

The Clowns of Mockery

“Who are you to tell our story? Incest is a family secret. You have no right to share it.” These are the voices of the clowns that try to impede my path to healing. “You’re fat and you should worry about that! You’re sick because of what you came from; that will never change.” OnContinue reading “The Clowns of Mockery”

The Chill of Isolation

As a child and then as an adult, aloneness was my best friend. The world around me was so terribly unsafe, what other conclusion could I draw? What other form of reprieve could I seek? When I was about eight, I created a safe play area in my closet. I turned my shelf over toContinue reading “The Chill of Isolation”

Boxing With My Fear

Realizing that other people can think and feel differently from us is a huge developmental step for two- and three-year olds. . . . Without flexible, active frontal lobes people become creatures of habit, and their relationships become superficial and routine. . . . The more intense the visceral, sensory input from the emotional brain,Continue reading “Boxing With My Fear”

The Stench of Guilt

The problem with sexual abuse and crimes that are perpetrated by family members is that most of their victims take the responsibility for the action of that member. This should not be! I had a dream last night that I was driving in a truck with my father (now deceased) and the other man whoContinue reading “The Stench of Guilt”

The Frailty of Being Human

I’m not here to write only about the part of my journey where I overcame everything and I now live fully victorious. If I wrote like that, I’d be lying. Does Nirvana really exist? I don’t think so. If it did, I don’t want it. I ordered Massaman Curry today. It was a dish myContinue reading “The Frailty of Being Human”

The Agony of Suffering

I’ve had to learn to struggle through much suffering in my life. In the night hours, it slept with me and tortured my sleep. When I woke up, it was the first thing to greet my day before even the sunshine had time to say hello. Learning to fight with suffering was something I hadContinue reading “The Agony of Suffering”