Boxing With My Fear

Realizing that other people can think and feel differently from us is a huge developmental step for two- and three-year olds. . . . Without flexible, active frontal lobes people become creatures of habit, and their relationships become superficial and routine. . . . The more intense the visceral, sensory input from the emotional brain,Continue reading “Boxing With My Fear”

The Stench of Guilt

The problem with sexual abuse and crimes that are perpetrated by family members is that most of their victims take the responsibility for the action of that member. This should not be! I had a dream last night that I was driving in a truck with my father (now deceased) and the other man whoContinue reading “The Stench of Guilt”

The Frailty of Being Human

I’m not here to write only about the part of my journey where I overcame everything and I now live fully victorious. If I wrote like that, I’d be lying. Does Nirvana really exist? I don’t think so. If it did, I don’t want it. I ordered Massaman Curry today. It was a dish myContinue reading “The Frailty of Being Human”

The Agony of Suffering

I’ve had to learn to struggle through much suffering in my life. In the night hours, it slept with me and tortured my sleep. When I woke up, it was the first thing to greet my day before even the sunshine had time to say hello. Learning to fight with suffering was something I hadContinue reading “The Agony of Suffering”

Maggots in My Soul

I was 22 when my memories started to emerge. I had a one-year-old beautiful little girl and had already been married for four years. I sat down one day at the kitchen table when my daughter was taking a nap, picked up a pen and just started to write. “How my soul must have achedContinue reading “Maggots in My Soul”

Lavished in Fear

As a child, pain manifested itself in my physical body. My body could ache for days from the damage it received but I don’t ever remember crying. Fear kept crying at bay and my body alone carried the brunt of my trauma. Fear has continually hunted me most of my life. It’s ghostlike presence peeredContinue reading “Lavished in Fear”

A Covenant of Love

If you’ve missed the part of my story where I saw my parents full of hope and love, I guess I haven’t shared that with you yet. Bonnie and Clyde loved each other deeply. In a bond against the world, they survived. I have sometimes compared my parents to this daring duo. Growing up, theyContinue reading “A Covenant of Love”

The Cost of Healing Delayed

As I tell my story, I have people tell me theirs. Often they add, “I know there is abuse in my past, but I’m not going there.” I think the commonly-held-belief is, that if the secret stays hidden, it will cost nothing to hide. This is downright wrong. The cost is vast and more expensiveContinue reading “The Cost of Healing Delayed”

A Moral to the Story

I believe it doesn’t matter what standing looks like. I’ve learned to just stand. It’d be great if peace always stood with me, but that sometimes is not possible. I’ve had to toughen up through this healing process. I believe it’s the kind of growth that’s required. To be clear, this isn’t a protection thatContinue reading “A Moral to the Story”

Unadulterated Wickedness

In my early 20s, the adult children in my family (with my mother as a supposed ally) confronted our father about the pervasive sexual abuse he had perpetrated. But for the slow aide in the healing process, this did very little to rid us of his evil or my mother’s. After this family meeting, myContinue reading “Unadulterated Wickedness”