Twisted & Complicated

I’ve lived my entire life in this dilemma. The movies and TV tell us parents are good. Songs tell us that there is love in the world. Romance novels sell fantasy. The only way I could see good as a child was through blatant denial or fantasy. Love simply did not exist in my childhood.Continue reading “Twisted & Complicated”

Candy & Pearls

Abusers carry with them a spirit that seduces you. They don’t come to you with gnarly teeth and uncombed hair. They present as love, care and nurturing. Particularly, to a child. This pattern stayed with me most of my adult life. Abusers can be fun, alive and seemingly fearless against the cares of this world.Continue reading “Candy & Pearls”

Help Me Let Go

Expectations are different than hope. Hope is an eternal currency. I think expectations limit me. An expectation is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. I think IContinue reading “Help Me Let Go”

Forgive, to Be Forgiven?

Forgiven of what? I owe no debt to the people who abused me. Why then does it feel like I am forced to repay something I didn’t steal? Why do abuse survivors feel the need to hide the dirty secret? Is it for their own protection or is it to protect the abuser? I thinkContinue reading “Forgive, to Be Forgiven?”

Flesh Wounds

My body indeed kept record of the wrongs done against it. The issue was I couldn’t just heal by simply recalling the trauma my body had received. It is so much easier for them to talk about what has been done to them — to tell a story of victimization and revenge — than toContinue reading “Flesh Wounds”

Alligators in the Mississippi

Living through all the evil in my childhood should have set me up with a clear vision to see evil as an adult, spot the deceiving way of an abuser and recognize their lies. Right? Wrong! My mind had been poisoned so severely that my vision was skewed and I could not predict a trueContinue reading “Alligators in the Mississippi”