Dear Mama, Vol. 2

Dear Mama, I am 3 or 5 when I first remember being alive. The world is empty, faded, and cold. Everything seems rickety and half-sewn together. An off hours thrill ride with the lights left on. It leaves me with a feeling of queasiness that I won’t be able to shake for the rest ofContinue reading “Dear Mama, Vol. 2”

Tears in Heaven

There aren’t enough tears here on earth to release my anguish, still my fears or silence the devastation of my childhood. There just are not. My compounded grief watching my children live through another generation of abuse makes it impossible to find enough release. However, there will be no more tears in Heaven. Of thisContinue reading “Tears in Heaven”

A Bubble of Satisfaction

I’ve wrestled with my thoughts for most of my life. Truly. As a child, I was a contemplative little girl. I had to be. It seemed no one else in my house had a thought past their nose. Unfortunately, that created a cavern of anxiety in my small being. Anxiety has been my friend longerContinue reading “A Bubble of Satisfaction”

A Noose Around My Neck

Suicide is a funny gift I used to analyze from time to time. It seemed to me a reckoning that my soul longed for. I’m not sure why that is but I knew I had an agonizing pain and I wanted it to stop at all costs. Seemed to me that death would end itContinue reading “A Noose Around My Neck”

The Cost of Healing Delayed

As I tell my story, I have people tell me theirs. Often they add, “I know there is abuse in my past, but I’m not going there.” I think the commonly-held-belief is, that if the secret stays hidden, it will cost nothing to hide. This is downright wrong. The cost is vast and more expensiveContinue reading “The Cost of Healing Delayed”

The Death of My Inner Child

There has been a lot recovery work around finding and healing your inner child. If you give it a quick Google search you get about 22,500,000 returns. I was probably five or six when my dad decided that we had too many cats in the world and he needed to rid us from the burdenContinue reading “The Death of My Inner Child”

The Stench of Guilt

The problem with sexual abuse and crimes that are perpetrated by family members is that most of their victims take the responsibility for the action of that member. This should not be! I had a dream last night that I was driving in a truck with my father (now deceased) and the other man whoContinue reading “The Stench of Guilt”

Wailing was Forbidden

After we moved from our home on Delaware Lane, I don’t remember crying. Well, the time I was bit in the face by our Doberman Pinscher, I cried. And, the time my mother left me at home all by myself – I cried then, too. What I am talking about are the tears that drainedContinue reading “Wailing was Forbidden”