Lackadaisical

Isn’t this the opposite of being vigilant? I don’t think I’ve ever known how to just rest in life. Being carelessly lazy isn’t something I had the luxury of knowing. Oh, I have lacked enthusiasm but not determination. Almost before I remember anything else in life, I remember the will to live. It was etchedContinue reading “Lackadaisical”

War on Childhood Crimes

I read an article by Erica Terry titled, Sexual Abuse and the Hidden Children of the Holocaust. From that article, she writes: In fact, the pain of sexual abuse often impacts childhood survivors far greater than other losses and traumas endured during the Holocaust. In a 2006 study, the first of its kind, Professor Rachel Lev-Wiese ofContinue reading “War on Childhood Crimes”

Useless

Going back and asking your abusers to help you is about as much good as a wet match. I witnessed a murder. I watched a woman leave this planet. She took her last breathe while I was watching. That’s a wretched thing to leave undone. As I’ve written, my father’s best friend at the time,Continue reading “Useless”

A Deadened Reality

Oh, the gifts I continually received as a child of incest. A deadened reality was certainly one of my biggest gifts. My emotions took a brutal hit. The sustained abuse disconnected me not only from my body but also my emotions. I was too young to sort through the grand onslaught of all the emotionalContinue reading “A Deadened Reality”

Insanity or Clarity?

As a child, I had very little independent thinking outside of my father. My abuse started when I was so small, that it was as if I had become a solider in my father’s army. Enlisted without cause and disabled of any independence. There were no Saturday morning cartoons in our house that I canContinue reading “Insanity or Clarity?”

The Well of My Soul

I believe that God saw that I was unloved as a child. That’s why He found me. The well of my tiny soul had no water and my eyes gave no light. Then, I met Him. In my room at the age of three, pegged against a wall of suffering, waiting for my body toContinue reading “The Well of My Soul”

Wailing was Forbidden

After we moved from our home on Delaware Lane, I don’t remember crying. Well, the time I was bit in the face by our Doberman Pinscher, I cried. And, the time my mother left me at home all by myself – I cried then, too. What I am talking about are the tears that drainedContinue reading “Wailing was Forbidden”

The Shot of Rejection

Abuse, for each one of us, is a burden to carry. The acts perpetrated against us carry a sentence that equates, ultimately, to rejection. My parents continually dismissed me. Their refusal to see me, offer any comfort or love that I needed as a child, left a blueprint that I followed. That path led meContinue reading “The Shot of Rejection”

A Soft Heart

When insatiable pain enters my soul, I’m perplexed with indecision. I can run away from it or I can try to devour it and end it’s sting. If I don’t outrun it, then it finds me. If I try to look at it, it overtakes me. These feel like two really bad choices. I hateContinue reading “A Soft Heart”