The Present of Presence

Growing up, I was never present in my body full time. I practiced dissociating when I could to ease the painful, daily experiences in my life. When I wasn’t checking out, I over ate to the point of distraction. Today, I try to live fully aware of my experiences. I’m in touch with my bodyContinue reading “The Present of Presence”

D E A T H

And, despair. My childhood was plagued with signs of it. Beyond my reoccurring nightmare of my father raping a woman, I did many other strange things trying to work out this mysterious puzzle that I hid inside me. Trauma takes on funny ways of revealing itself when it is outside of your mind’s eye. TheContinue reading “D E A T H”

Collusion

I think we all would like to believe we are no longer in collusion with our abusers. That can only be true when we’ve stopped the secretive cooperation with them. This deceitful agreement we have with them keeps us quiet. I knew when I was no longer in collusion with my family. It was whenContinue reading “Collusion”

Insanity or Clarity?

As a child, I had very little independent thinking outside of my father. My abuse started when I was so small, that it was as if I had become a solider in my father’s army. Enlisted without cause and disabled of any independence. There were no Saturday morning cartoons in our house that I canContinue reading “Insanity or Clarity?”

Take Courage!

Keep me safe, Oh God for in you I take refuge. psalms 16:1 I haven’t always been this brave. Brave enough to tell my story, that is. As I matter of fact I have failed more years that I have been successful at it. Maybe that’s what bravery is all about. Doing something even whenContinue reading “Take Courage!”

Faithless Deeds of Darkness

My father took my virginity and he also taught me about god. I’ve obviously struggled a great deal to learn the God of the bible. He is not the god my father knew. In my very early years, my parents were without any form of godliness. After the murder and after we moved into theContinue reading “Faithless Deeds of Darkness”

Discipline, A Catalyst for Change

I hated discipline. Every form of it. Until I learned that disciple is not punishment. Growing up we were punished for every slight infraction we made in my father’s kingdom. If you spoke or behaved inappropriately, a leather belt was waiting to connect to your raw skin. If you didn’t wash the dishes just rightContinue reading “Discipline, A Catalyst for Change”

The Well of My Soul

I believe that God saw that I was unloved as a child. That’s why He found me. The well of my tiny soul had no water and my eyes gave no light. Then, I met Him. In my room at the age of three, pegged against a wall of suffering, waiting for my body toContinue reading “The Well of My Soul”

The Construction of Pain

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves . . . Live the questions now. Perhaps you will gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a young poet As a very small child, my body andContinue reading “The Construction of Pain”

The Shot of Rejection

Abuse, for each one of us, is a burden to carry. The acts perpetrated against us carry a sentence that equates, ultimately, to rejection. My parents continually dismissed me. Their refusal to see me, offer any comfort or love that I needed as a child, left a blueprint that I followed. That path led meContinue reading “The Shot of Rejection”