The Fangs of Darkness

Why do I bring up evil? It is the one thing that most counselors don’t speak of. It is not the subject of healing mantras and seldom is it recognized in trauma recovery. That doesn’t mean it’s not real and the very essence of incest. Do I love the family members that I came through?Continue reading “The Fangs of Darkness”

Tears in Heaven

There aren’t enough tears here on earth to release my anguish, still my fears or silence the devastation of my childhood. There just are not. My compounded grief watching my children live through another generation of abuse makes it impossible to find enough release. However, there will be no more tears in Heaven. Of thisContinue reading “Tears in Heaven”

A Noose Around My Neck

Suicide is a funny gift I used to analyze from time to time. It seemed to me a reckoning that my soul longed for. I’m not sure why that is but I knew I had an agonizing pain and I wanted it to stop at all costs. Seemed to me that death would end itContinue reading “A Noose Around My Neck”

The Cost of Healing Delayed

As I tell my story, I have people tell me theirs. Often they add, “I know there is abuse in my past, but I’m not going there.” I think the commonly-held-belief is, that if the secret stays hidden, it will cost nothing to hide. This is downright wrong. The cost is vast and more expensiveContinue reading “The Cost of Healing Delayed”

The Stench of Guilt

The problem with sexual abuse and crimes that are perpetrated by family members is that most of their victims take the responsibility for the action of that member. This should not be! I had a dream last night that I was driving in a truck with my father (now deceased) and the other man whoContinue reading “The Stench of Guilt”

The Well of My Soul

I believe that God saw that I was unloved as a child. That’s why He found me. The well of my tiny soul had no water and my eyes gave no light. Then, I met Him. In my room at the age of three, pegged against a wall of suffering, waiting for my body toContinue reading “The Well of My Soul”

The Construction of Pain

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves . . . Live the questions now. Perhaps you will gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a young poet As a very small child, my body andContinue reading “The Construction of Pain”

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Sundays – a day for families, a day for reflection, a day to be still. Maybe, a day for renewed hope. All of my life I have struggled with love. What does it mean? What does it look like? How do I get it? If you believe that God knew us while we were beingContinue reading “Sunday Morning Coming Down”

Is Rejection the Real Culprit?

Pain, mercy, abuse – it’s all born out of rejection. When my father was dying he and I had a six-hour conversation. We talked about a lot. I asked him who hadn’t seen his pain. I pushed the question again, saying, “Dad, was it your mother who didn’t see your pain?” He looked down atContinue reading “Is Rejection the Real Culprit?”