A Noose Around My Neck

Suicide is a funny gift I used to analyze from time to time. It seemed to me a reckoning that my soul longed for. I’m not sure why that is but I knew I had an agonizing pain and I wanted it to stop at all costs. Seemed to me that death would end itContinue reading “A Noose Around My Neck”

The Cost of Healing Delayed

As I tell my story, I have people tell me theirs. Often they add, “I know there is abuse in my past, but I’m not going there.” I think the commonly-held-belief is, that if the secret stays hidden, it will cost nothing to hide. This is downright wrong. The cost is vast and more expensiveContinue reading “The Cost of Healing Delayed”

The Stench of Guilt

The problem with sexual abuse and crimes that are perpetrated by family members is that most of their victims take the responsibility for the action of that member. This should not be! I had a dream last night that I was driving in a truck with my father (now deceased) and the other man whoContinue reading “The Stench of Guilt”

The Well of My Soul

I believe that God saw that I was unloved as a child. That’s why He found me. The well of my tiny soul had no water and my eyes gave no light. Then, I met Him. In my room at the age of three, pegged against a wall of suffering, waiting for my body toContinue reading “The Well of My Soul”

The Construction of Pain

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves . . . Live the questions now. Perhaps you will gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a young poet As a very small child, my body andContinue reading “The Construction of Pain”

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Sundays – a day for families, a day for reflection, a day to be still. Maybe, a day for renewed hope. All of my life I have struggled with love. What does it mean? What does it look like? How do I get it? If you believe that God knew us while we were beingContinue reading “Sunday Morning Coming Down”

Is Rejection the Real Culprit?

Pain, mercy, abuse – it’s all born out of rejection. When my father was dying he and I had a six-hour conversation. We talked about a lot. I asked him who hadn’t seen his pain. I pushed the question again, saying, “Dad, was it your mother who didn’t see your pain?” He looked down atContinue reading “Is Rejection the Real Culprit?”

Twisted & Complicated

I’ve lived my entire life in this dilemma. The movies and TV tell us parents are good. Songs tell us that there is love in the world. Romance novels sell fantasy. The only way I could see good as a child was through blatant denial or fantasy. Love simply did not exist in my childhood.Continue reading “Twisted & Complicated”

Lackadaisical

Isn’t this the opposite of being vigilant? I don’t think I’ve ever known how to just rest in life. Being carelessly lazy isn’t something I had the luxury of knowing. Oh, I have lacked enthusiasm but not determination. Almost before I remember anything else in life, I remember the will to live. It was etchedContinue reading “Lackadaisical”

Unhealed Wounds

I wish I could give a bracelet of love to every human being that needs one. Some of us came from a territory that had no love in it. Unkept. Unwanted. Unloved. I wish I could just have kept the past hidden, away from the world’s view and, more importantly, away from my own view.Continue reading “Unhealed Wounds”