Still Water

Traversing childhood traumatic experiences leaves my soul wandering sometimes. It is as if it took all the stillness out of my being. Relearning? Relearn what? I was never taught anything about stillness. Sure, I had to sit still. I had to be calm for my father, but stillness – internally, you know the thing thatContinue reading “Still Water”

Fear of Discovery

“I’m so thankful that experience happened to you, and not me,” is the thought process of most people that happen upon my story. You know why we don’t want to talk about our stories? The fear of discovering our truest self. Our experiences define parts of us, not all of us. I am all tooContinue reading “Fear of Discovery”

The Cost of Healing Delayed

As I tell my story, I have people tell me theirs. Often they add, “I know there is abuse in my past, but I’m not going there.” I think the commonly-held-belief is, that if the secret stays hidden, it will cost nothing to hide. This is downright wrong. The cost is vast and more expensiveContinue reading “The Cost of Healing Delayed”

Wailing was Forbidden

After we moved from our home on Delaware Lane, I don’t remember crying. Well, the time I was bit in the face by our Doberman Pinscher, I cried. And, the time my mother left me at home all by myself – I cried then, too. What I am talking about are the tears that drainedContinue reading “Wailing was Forbidden”

Disabled By My Abilities

I have endured too much abuse at the hands of others because of my dissociative behaviors. Let me explain. “Dissociation means simultaneously knowing and not knowing.” Body keeps the score, VAN der kolk, m.d., page 121 You read that right. “When you don’t feel real nothing matters, which makes it impossible to protect yourself fromContinue reading “Disabled By My Abilities”

The Well of My Soul

I believe that God saw that I was unloved as a child. That’s why He found me. The well of my tiny soul had no water and my eyes gave no light. Then, I met Him. In my room at the age of three, pegged against a wall of suffering, waiting for my body toContinue reading “The Well of My Soul”

The Construction of Pain

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves . . . Live the questions now. Perhaps you will gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a young poet As a very small child, my body andContinue reading “The Construction of Pain”

Heart or Head Issue?

Did I need my head repaired through cognitive resources or was it more important for my heart to heal? I don’t know if Jesus is in the business of mental health but I’m certain that He heals the brokenhearted and sets free the captive. I know this because I didn’t need my brain fixed, IContinue reading “Heart or Head Issue?”

Twisted & Complicated

I’ve lived my entire life in this dilemma. The movies and TV tell us parents are good. Songs tell us that there is love in the world. Romance novels sell fantasy. The only way I could see good as a child was through blatant denial or fantasy. Love simply did not exist in my childhood.Continue reading “Twisted & Complicated”