Plucked from the Womb

I had a fantastic counselor. I’ll refer to him as Red. Red helped guide me into change. I reflect often on the lessons I’ve learned with him and would not hesitate to call him if I needed his loving guidance again. I’ve been with him for over 15 years. He may be the longest, constantContinue reading “Plucked from the Womb”

Disabled By My Abilities

I have endured too much abuse at the hands of others because of my dissociative behaviors. Let me explain. “Dissociation means simultaneously knowing and not knowing.” Body keeps the score, VAN der kolk, m.d., page 121 You read that right. “When you don’t feel real nothing matters, which makes it impossible to protect yourself fromContinue reading “Disabled By My Abilities”

The Clowns of Mockery

“Who are you to tell our story? Incest is a family secret. You have no right to share it.” These are the voices of the clowns that try to impede my path to healing. “You’re fat and you should worry about that! You’re sick because of what you came from; that will never change.” OnContinue reading “The Clowns of Mockery”

The Chill of Isolation

As a child and then as an adult, aloneness was my best friend. The world around me was so terribly unsafe, what other conclusion could I draw? What other form of reprieve could I seek? When I was about eight, I created a safe play area in my closet. I turned my shelf over toContinue reading “The Chill of Isolation”

Lavished in Fear

As a child, pain manifested itself in my physical body. My body could ache for days from the damage it received but I don’t ever remember crying. Fear kept crying at bay and my body alone carried the brunt of my trauma. Fear has continually hunted me most of my life. It’s ghostlike presence peeredContinue reading “Lavished in Fear”

The Rudimentary Need for Evidence

I’ve worked in law firms for over 30 years. I’ve watched cases won, rights be fully restored and Indian casinos opened in return for what was taken. What I have never seen is evidence manufactured. Lack of evidence is a devastating theme in the world of childhood trauma. Whatever the crime, scarcely is there evidenceContinue reading “The Rudimentary Need for Evidence”

A Moral to the Story

I believe it doesn’t matter what standing looks like. I’ve learned to just stand. It’d be great if peace always stood with me, but that sometimes is not possible. I’ve had to toughen up through this healing process. I believe it’s the kind of growth that’s required. To be clear, this isn’t a protection thatContinue reading “A Moral to the Story”

Unadulterated Wickedness

In my early 20s, the adult children in my family (with my mother as a supposed ally) confronted our father about the pervasive sexual abuse he had perpetrated. But for the slow aide in the healing process, this did very little to rid us of his evil or my mother’s. After this family meeting, myContinue reading “Unadulterated Wickedness”