The Stench of Guilt

The problem with sexual abuse and crimes that are perpetrated by family members is that most of their victims take the responsibility for the action of that member. This should not be! I had a dream last night that I was driving in a truck with my father (now deceased) and the other man whoContinue reading “The Stench of Guilt”

The Frailty of Being Human

I’m not here to write only about the part of my journey where I overcame everything and I now live fully victorious. If I wrote like that, I’d be lying. Does Nirvana really exist? I don’t think so. If it did, I don’t want it. I ordered Massaman Curry today. It was a dish myContinue reading “The Frailty of Being Human”

The Agony of Suffering

I’ve had to learn to struggle through much suffering in my life. In the night hours, it slept with me and tortured my sleep. When I woke up, it was the first thing to greet my day before even the sunshine had time to say hello. Learning to fight with suffering was something I hadContinue reading “The Agony of Suffering”

The Institution of Behaviors

Monkey see, monkey do is a pidgin-style saying that appeared in American culture in the early 1920s. The saying refers to the learning of a process without an understanding of why it works. This is exactly how my father raised us. Thus, instituting behaviors in his children that were not easily undone. Abusers are bright, articulate andContinue reading “The Institution of Behaviors”

Maggots in My Soul

I was 22 when my memories started to emerge. I had a one-year-old beautiful little girl and had already been married for four years. I sat down one day at the kitchen table when my daughter was taking a nap, picked up a pen and just started to write. “How my soul must have achedContinue reading “Maggots in My Soul”

Lavished in Fear

As a child, pain manifested itself in my physical body. My body could ache for days from the damage it received but I don’t ever remember crying. Fear kept crying at bay and my body alone carried the brunt of my trauma. Fear has continually hunted me most of my life. It’s ghostlike presence peeredContinue reading “Lavished in Fear”

The Pilgrimage of Prejudice

Another disturbing parcel through this healing journey has been others preconceived opinions of me that are not based on reason or knowledge of my experiences. I’ve learned that ultimately their opinion doesn’t matter, but that took some time. How do folks get so judgmental? The stronger question to me is, “Why do they want toContinue reading “The Pilgrimage of Prejudice”

The Rudimentary Need for Evidence

I’ve worked in law firms for over 30 years. I’ve watched cases won, rights be fully restored and Indian casinos opened in return for what was taken. What I have never seen is evidence manufactured. Lack of evidence is a devastating theme in the world of childhood trauma. Whatever the crime, scarcely is there evidenceContinue reading “The Rudimentary Need for Evidence”

Is Rejection the Real Culprit?

Pain, mercy, abuse – it’s all born out of rejection. When my father was dying he and I had a six-hour conversation. We talked about a lot. I asked him who hadn’t seen his pain. I pushed the question again, saying, “Dad, was it your mother who didn’t see your pain?” He looked down atContinue reading “Is Rejection the Real Culprit?”