Teaser Tuesday

Hope is the secret weapon! Hope explores the possibility that some good does exist. Hope believes in you. Hope opens the doors that cannot be shut on you. It is a powerful thing to be believed, isn’t it?

From the book A Prisoner by No Crime of My Own,

Chapter 19 – Could It Be Madeline?

“A cheap Saturday night took you down. You died stupidly and harshly . . .I failed you as a talisman – so I stand now as your witness.”

– My Dark Places, James Ellroy

After Dad’s death, the police investigation didn’t seem to be going anywhere.

I met with them one last time, but there wasn’t funding, even if they wanted to help. The reality was that the murderer was also dead now. The last thing we were told is that they believed Madeline Babcock’s remains had been found in Linn County, Oregon. If that were true, it would completely negate Madeline being the woman I remembered from 1968. We waited for the answer.

In the meantime, I talked with Foster about me spearheading an effort to get to know Madeline Babcock’s sister. The police told me not to contact her, but I was running out of options and people were aging every day. I wanted to see if this sister had any information that would match anything I had.

Foster replied, “If the police aren’t going to do any more, then certainly you have the right to continue.”

I love how Foster taught me my rights. I did have rights, not just privileges.

I can never be certain if Madeline “Lynn” Babcock is the person buried in the sink hole that day, but you can be the judge and jury. I’m fine with that. My pursuit was not just mine alone, but for this woman I had met. I had to do all I could while there was still some sun light casting a ray of hope.

You Can Be Whole

When we’ve survived an extremely traumatic event, it can be painful to revisit the memory.

Many of us would prefer not to talk about it. Many of us stuff it down and move on…often unaware that we are living life in half measure.

You don’t have to limp through life. You’re life doesn’t have to get smaller over time. It can become more expansive, more vivid and more alive every year.

Many trauma survivors I’ve known described the strength they found as they faced their trauma and told their story.

They said they felt unburdened, less numbness & anger….they saw their fear lessen and found greater freedom in their lives.

It takes courage to tell your story, and witnessing your own courage shows you that you’re not only strong, but also whole.


Mirror Mirror ~ Introspection

Introspection — what better way to start a week.

Question – Did a demon rape you?

For the purpose of demonstration, I put forth this question. Don’t panic — hear me out.

Incest is pure evil. Born to disguise, destroy, and manipulate its victims. The bible tells us in Ephesians 6:12, “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”

The battle of good and evil.

When a person is given over to the act of incest time and time again, I believe they become a resident place for evil. So, my father raped me but it was the enemy that is not “flesh-and-blood” that pursued him and — obviously won.

If you came through incest, you probably relate to what I am saying. As a child of God, “the battle is not yours, but God’s (2 Chronicles 20:15). Let Him do the fighting for you now.

You can rest, find peace, and moving fully into a place of healing.

Jewels, Gems & Gunpowder

I would love to hear from you! Sharing Saturday with you.

A Jewel: Discouragement – what a strong emotion. Dispiritedness. Downheartedness. This was a guiding force in my life for years and years. I had a belief – and I still struggle with it, that the abusers are by far the more powerful in the incest equation. That could not be farther from the truth, but I have struggled.

Abusers tell their stories with a religious bend to piety and people believe them. Victims tell their treacherous stories of abuse (or don’t!) and we are shunned.

Who is showing more power?

It appears that the abusers win BUT they do not. I’ve watched it. Time and time again I see these once powerful people, now cowardly and afraid. Do you know what they fear? They fear words of truth!

Do you know where I find my strength? In the very truth that they cower from!

A Gem: I cannot lose the gift that God has given me. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to be small. I just have to receive it.

Metaphorical Gunpowder: I am loveable. Nothing will move me from that belief again.

Please comment below by leaving your jewel, a gem or something you keep yourself free from with metaphorical gunpowder.

All love!


Avoidance based on fear will not protect you from experiencing pain but it will prevent you from growing and learning and evolving and deepening connections with yourself, others and even God.

Getting hurt by people is hard. Getting hurt by what God allows can feel unbearable. While I might phrase my disillusionment as a question of why or how, when I lay my head on my tear-soaked pillow, questions can turn into bitter feelings (and have).

Since trust in relationships is built in part with good communication, then more effectively praying has to play a role in my trust with God – that has been a new one for me. Up until now, with prayer, I’ve expected too little of God and too much of myself. I’ve expected an infinite God to reduce His vast ways of doing things down to only what I can think up and pray for.

Yes, people may create chaos that’s not from God. And yes, the brokenness of this world may bring brokenness to my reality. But in the midst of this, there is good provision from God! That’s what I must look for and make the choice to see.

B 🤍

F N’ F (Fear Not Friday)

Question — Do you fear turmoil? Chaos?

I did for many, many years. I was taught to avoid conflict. The very thought of fighting back would have caused me more pain in my upbringing and in the abusive marriage of 17 years that I found myself in.

I was a great student. Abusers taught me silence. God taught me to speak. Wherever you find yourself today, if you are bowing down to abuse to avoid conflict, stand up, find the courage, and walk away. God does not want you in abuse. Never!

If you believe you are being a good person by allowing the “abuser” to have their way, you couldn’t be more wrong. God does not desire you to be a door mat. Never!

Avoiding conflict, chaos and turmoil most often costs us more abuse.

You are a child of God. As His child, you are free. Believe that he wants the best for you. Believe that sometimes standing up and telling someone to F*#k off is a God thing. Trust me on that. Sometimes that is the only voice we can find — use it!

Are you hiding by avoiding conflict?

How do you rest?

I am tired…
anyone else?

Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between who I am as a human, who I am as a parent, who I am as a partner, and who the heck I an from moment to moment. Feeling exhausted doesn’t help with this.

I’ve been trying to prioritize more rest in my life … and I often think about what rest really means. I love this quote from Dr. Asp, who attempts to pin down a unified vision of rest, and offers up this lovely definition: “The essence of rest is an experience of harmony concerning one’s feelings, actions, and motivation. This implies that there is a capacity for actions, which is carried out in accordance with a sensation of pleasure. Rest appears when one’s needs and longing correspond to the shape and character of the environment. Rest takes many different states, from calm, demand-free, and peaceful conditions to conditions where one is open and perceptive to pleasurable impressions. The essence of rest is characterized by a sense of confidence and trust in one’s own inviolable human dignity and in being loved.” (Am I crying reading a scientific paper? Maybe!!!)

I’ve learned you in order to figure out what rest means for you, you have to check in with yourself a lot.

How do you rest?

B 🤍

Cotton Candy & Whimsical Things

A continuum with healing for me was finding moments of fun — full of pleasure. That isn’t an easy task for me.

Much like sex had to feel dirty to be pleasurable, fun had to feel “bad” to be good. Oxymorons abound in the complicated life of a survivor.

Sometimes when I chat with Jesus, I metaphorically have seen him with me in a field of tall grass — flowers swaying in the breeze. I am a child. He takes my small hands and dances ’round with me – laughing. His face is full of love and smiles. It is the most beautiful scene. Sometimes, I find myself looking for that scene in my mind’s eye because it soothes me, comforts me, and teaches me joy.

Life is supposed to be enjoyed, too.

The white knuckling that delving into the past brings, must have relief in it. I believe wholeheartedly in returning to past memories to heal. It is a must. During the process, however, when you can find moments to steal away, do! Bring pockets of happiness to your being.

If cooking makes you smile — cook! If going skating makes you happy — go skating. Put on a dinner party surrounded by those you love. Do something during the process of healing that puts your being at ease.

Life is meant to be more than pain.

When God Doesn’t Prevent Childhood Sexual Trauma

I remember someone telling me that God is always there if I need him. To me, that felt like a lie. I was so little … too little to be so distrustful … but I couldn’t help it.

Many times, I felt like God must have turned his face away; that he was busy doing something else, or something more important must have been happening. He must not have seen me or surely, he would have done something.

I used to feel like I was walking around with a neon light behind me that flashed “Damaged Goods” or “Broken Beyond Repair” or some other sign that conveyed my shame. I know that’s a common feeling for those of us who have been sexually assaulted. It feels like the violation has left a visible mark for everyone to see—that I was now defined by this one thing.

Eventually, I learned that Jesus bore our shame and traded it for righteousness. Whether the shame was put there by our own sin or inflicted on us by the sins of someone else, Jesus bore our shame on the cross. He died so that we could live free of the shackles that shame tries to ensnare us in. He bore our shame so we no longer have to bear it. He took it all away so we know longer have to carry it.

Jesus has cleansed us and made us whole. No person or circumstance can change that reality. No person or circumstance can change your identity.

“Praise the LORD, my soul . . . who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.”
Psalm 103:2, 4 NIV 

B 🤍

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