One of the biggest mistakes I made while recovering from my childhood trauma was to avoid real relationships. To avoid conflict…in particular, being challenged.
I dated men who never stood up to me. I was noncommittal. I saw any attempt at boundaries or self-preservation on the part of the other person as abusive. Any amount of anger directed at me felt intolerable- even if it was an honest and legitimate response to an injustice committed by me.
I thought I could heal as long as anyone didn’t trigger me. Didn’t challenge me or “make” me feel certain ways.
Yes, I have been victimized. But now I was victimizing other people and for a long time, I couldn’t face that fact. I was blaming and self-absorbed. My pain always trumped everyone else’s. I suffered from intense mood-swings and felt uncertainty about myself and everyone else. I couldn’t cope. I was in a trauma loop & constant state of fight or flight. A healthy relationship seemed beyond my reach in every way imaginable.
For me, it was all learned behavior. In other words, I was hurting so I hurt other people. This is what I had been taught and had become automatic at this point.
It’s crude but I was a products of my environment and my behavior allowed me to feel powerful or as if I was finally in control of relationships, something I lacked when being abused.
In my mind, I was still the victim .. even though I was just doing some of the same behavior on others.
In the end, we are all victims and victimizers.
We’ve slandered others, mistreated others, stolen, lied, abused, neglected, cheated, and misused the things we were responsible for. We have offended others. We’ve grieved someone at one time or another in varying degrees. We are both Victims & Victimizers. We must understand this before moving forward.
I had to before I could truly learn who I was and how I wanted to grow, change and heal.
B 🤍
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