Even though I love my life, there are times I think about what it would have been like to grow up without abuse. I still have difficult struggles because of what I endured. Life would be much easier if I didn’t have these struggles. I hate that my father chose to sexually abuse me, rape me, physically harm me, and then abandon me. Or that this pain was so deep that it drove me to want to die and attempt to kill myself with drugs and self harm. I didn’t chose any of it nor did I deserve it.
While it never should have happened, I gained too many blessings through the abuse to wish I had never had this experience. My empathy for others, my faith that grew through my trials, and other great blessings came from what I went through.
I am complex and sensitive and empathetic. I am a great mother and a good partner. I have learned these because the pain ultimately drove me into the arms of Jesus who held me through all of it – even when I didn’t believe.
If God gave me a choice to go back and either relive the awful abuse I went through and have a strong faith, or live a normal, carefree childhood and fall away from God, I would choose to go through the abuse all over again. God knew what he was doing in allowing me to endure abuse. I’m honored he chose me.