I’m not here to write only about the part of my journey where I overcame everything and I now live fully victorious. If I wrote like that, I’d be lying.
Does Nirvana really exist? I don’t think so. If it did, I don’t want it.
I ordered Massaman Curry today. It was a dish my mother liked. I thought of her. I first forgave her and then felt saddened that I could never have known her as an honest, good and caring woman. When I look in the mirror and see my reflection, I see similarities with my mom. I struggle a little bit with that fact.
I am human. This road of life is not about stepping away from feelings, but learning to manage them and step into them. Learning to release by exercising them appropriately. Creating space for yourself when you need it.
The DBT skills taught for interpersonal effectiveness emphasize assertiveness, boundaries, and coping with conflict. Assertiveness focuses on developing your capacity to ask for what you need, even though you may be told no or risk feeling rejected.The Complex PTSD Workbook, Arielle Schwartz, Ph.D, page 47
When I decided to make one final trip to talk with my father the day before he passed, I was terrified that it would be my one last shot of rejection from him. It was not. He apologized for the murder. He didn’t tell me he loved me, but did love even exist with him? I had successfully asserted myself and asked for what I needed. That was all that mattered to me by then.
Does it mean that I can watch murder mysteries now? Not so much. It pains me that I am often triggered by a scene in a movie. I fight embarrassment, as once again, I’m forced to leave the room for fear I’ll have unrelenting nightmares. More than once, we’ve had to turn off a movie because I just can’t go there. I want to be normal and watch whatever I want to. I never will be able to.
Does that mean I’m not healing? To the contrary, it means I am.
This is a common myth. Making mistakes is part of being human. Just like love and laughter, it makes us who we are. If I didn’t learn from my mistakes, how would I know how to love my grandchildren through theirs? Or better still, if I love myself at my worst, it will be easy to love me at my best.