I wasn’t the depressed guy that stayed in bed all day, let their house fall apart around them, and never did the dishes. That just wasn’t me. I falsely believed that because I went constantly, I wasn’t depressed.
When questioned by my counselor if I was depressed, I’d say an emphatic no. I wasn’t the lazy dude who couldn’t keep going. I kept going no matter what came into my life.
“Oh, but Jodie, that is the other side of depression,” my great counselor taught me.
He held up his hands tightly together and said this represents depression. On the one side, you have the inability to engage in life, you cannot see the rainbow, and there is no sun. The other side of depression is agitation.
As soon as he explained this to me, I got it. I was indeed depressed for most of my life. I just didn’t lay down in it. I fought it a different way. I constantly stayed busy — with anything. I had become a human doing rather than a human being. I found myself actually judging those that showed their depression through laziness and sloth.
Oh, boy, self-righteousness. That doesn’t take you too far when you are on a road to true healing.
Through my busyness I missed so much with my children when they were young. Oh, I cooked, cleaned, went to the library with them, and sat and read. But, my mind was swirling with anxiety and dread. My past loomed over me daily and the marriage I was in at that time was an abusive daily train wreck.
Finally my soul is learning to rest.