Today, I see the mundane as a source for all freedom and beauty and liberation. I haven’t always felt that way, in fact, for a long time I protested the opposite. I thought a life worth living was one full of interest and variation and novelty and great highs and terrible lows.
That was exciting to me.
But I see now that it was mostly just a grand rationalization to justify my chaotic and unhealthy inner state. If I could make my unhappy and unpredictable life look like a choice, then maybe wouldn’t feel so victimized by it.
But the thin veneer of denial began to wear off. My choice in men, in work, in life was hurting me and I couldn’t deny it any longer. I was unkind to my body and my soul and turning away from who God created me to be. I came upon so many forks in the road and kept choosing the one with potholes and roadblocks and death traps galore.
My therapist told me once: you really just seem to learn things the hard way.
When you come from server abuse, living life peacefully and predictably can feel really uneasy…painful even. I know that any moments of solace or aloneness were spent distracting myself using every unhealthy and treacherous technique in the book.
But today I am free from that way of living and thinking and being and I am counting my blessings!