Warring Alone

Coming through incest as a child, I fought alone. No one was beside me. Isn’t that the way it is for those of us that lived these tragedies?

Who stood beside us? No one.

Who protected us? No one.

Did we learn the value of trust in our homes?

I read I Corinthians 13 this morning. I read it like Paul wrote the words for me. It reads:

Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him.

Dissecting the verse, I could easily see how my childhood not only did not represent this, but was opposed to the very essence of love.

Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud — My father and mother had no patience. They were cruel not kind. Jealously flared for each other and ensnared relationship with us children. Pride was the only thing they had to hide behind.

never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. The very nature of abuse is selfishness, demanding its own way. Selfishness creates irritability. Grudges are an evil person’s strength and dignity (how dare they treat me this way!).

It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Okay — enough said.

If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him. These words are polar opposites of what my parents gave me. They fought justice, stood opposed to me, never believed in me, and did their best to discredit me.

Now, how am I to believe in L O V E?

I know the battle it takes to trust God, to believe in His love, to see Him defending me.

I do not war alone these days. My heart is softened when I hear God tell me to find my worth in His kingdom.

In His kingdom is where love sits.

Published by Gracedxoxo

I have the courage to tell my story to help others embrace theirs.

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