Disparaging

At a minimum, my parents left me with their expressed opinion that I had little worth. Disparaging comments continued well into my adulthood. My family erected the “I hate Aunt Jodie Club” and held meetings around that theme for years.

Why?

I don’t stop and spend much time on the why of it much anymore, I just know that I’m different than they are.

I hope you know that you are different than your abuser, too!

I had a dream last night that I was a murderer. Witnessing my father slay a woman as a child left a notion in me that I am like him.

Why?

Why do I feel the burden of living out his sins? I was an innocent child watching a monster strike down another human being. It wasn’t my fault. Yet, my dreams rattle my belief that I am innocent of the murder.

Why?

He was my rule-maker. He was my god as a child because he could certainly take life or leave life. To live with him meant that I could not be myself, make my own way or disparage him in any way.

Aren’t all abusers like that? They mandate that we become one with them. We protect them so that we don’t have to own what and who they are. We recreate the scene of abuse bringing love or mercy around it.

With my last breath I will tell all victims of these heinous crimes to keep away from those that abused you. Forgive, certainly, and then get on down the road.

That takes courage.

Would you let anyone other than family continue to treat you this way?

Abusers have no empathy for their victims. Sure, there will be a few that truly see the error of their ways, but not many. AND, it is not your job as the victim to change these abusers.

U C U – take your eyes off of them.

In my dream last night, the only feeling I had after I murdered, was the fear of being caught. No empathy for the ones I slayed.

Where do you think I saw that?

If you don’t want to carry on the ways of dark people, separate yourselves from them.