Masculinity Maimed

There is a lot of talk about how childhood sexual abuse hurts a woman, destroys her worth and mocks her femininity. But, what about a little boy that comes through such tragedy?

What happens when a little boy’s father is his abuser? Or his uncle? Or male cousin? How does that little boy perceive masculinity if his mother was his abuser?

My mother’s sexual abuse prohibited me from seeing many of the beautiful sides of being female for decades. She was manipulative, cruel and so cold I didn’t like being in the same room with her as a child.

Men were just as bad. They were also cruel, cold and succumbed to any ruling their penis made. I know I hear a lot of rhetoric that rape is all about control. I beg to differ. Having lived with rapists my entire childhood, it was their evil desires that led the cause. Pleasure brought on through control, not the other way around.

How do men reconcile their abuse and build masculinity?

I’ve watched tragedy after tragedy unfold. My heart beats to help set the captive of sexual abuse free.

How do we do that?

I believe through very honest exploration we begin to unravel all the pieces that keep us in bondage. It was extremely hard for me to show up in life and not lead with sexuality. I’d based much of my worth around being sexy, smart and funny.

What have you based your worth around?

Dolphins Are Warm-Blooded

Just as I’ve had to rid myself of finding my only worth through the sexuality I gave, I also had to work very hard to expel the cold-heartedness the abuse left in me. Hank Williams, Sr., sang it best:

I tried so hard, my dear, to show that you’re my every dream
Yet you’re afraid each thing I do is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold, cold heart?

COLD, COLD HEART

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