When my first husband got throat cancer, he called and wanted to see the kids. After discussion and a call to my therapist, we allowed him to come visit. We called it “radical grace.” During this visit, he attempted an apology to our children, which he later recanted when he didn’t die, and said something that I will never forget.
He said, “Jodie, I could do anything to you. You were scared of everything.” Indeed, when I married him at 18 I was terrified of everything.
When I left him I took that fear with me. That fear helped me find fault in everyone. Girlfriends and male suitors alike.
You see, fear will always find fault. It is the very nature of what fear does. Not only does it find fault in you, it finds fault in everyone around you – when you let it.
As a Christian, I knew and read the scriptures about fear. What I didn’t pick up was the deliberate judging fear forced into my life. If I found fault in someone, I didn’t have to stay or invest.
So, I found fault in everyone. Fear kept me at a distance from myself and the world.
I’ve battled many things in my life and I believe fear has been one of the biggest beasts to conquer. It’s robbed me of some good relationships, I suppose. I won’t know because I judged and left.
My prayer today is that I learn in a deeper way to lay down fear, to stop any judgments I make and to accept that life is good.