Skipping rope as child has its fun and it has the brittle failure that will happen when your foot stops the rope. For every action there is a reaction, right?
When children are sexually abused nothing makes sense anymore and I do mean nothing.
When your father or mother crosses the barrier of protection and enters into any sexual contact with you, your eyes are dimmed and confusion sets in.
Your path is now misguided.
Even if the abuser lived next door, the secret and shame guards your mind and creates illusions that are not easy to find or repair.
It’s confusing for a child to be put into a role they are not prepared for mentally, physically or spiritually. What does a child do with that? They adapt as quickly as they can. They reason with their small ability that this must be ok or something good is in it.
If a child reasons that something is bad and they know it will continue, it is intolerable to exist. So they comply and go into auto-pilot. They give their being over to their abusers. There simply is no other choice.
Hate won’t get you out of it either. You can hate all you want, but that doesn’t stop the confusion. The other trick is to try to alienate yourself from them. They won’t allow it.
Then, the destruction of their appearance to the outside world steps in. These abusers are most often liked by someone. They can be attractive, appear kind and appeasing to others.
More confusion sets in.
Confusion is often expanded through the bullshit layer of religion these con artists create. They often hold some degree of godliness in their life. What better cloak to hide behind. With it, they can feign an excusable I’m sorry, try and convince you through some scripture that they have been set free and are forgiven. On and on their religious rhetoric goes.
The base of confusion is denial. As we become adults, if we keep these abusers’ rules and ways with us, the confusion doesn’t get any better but often it will get more destructive.
Do you know how to beat confusion and stop the shame of the past? Tell your story. Tell every fact you remember and the rest will come. When a memory bursts through in thoughts and you want to deny, don’t. Allow that memory space in your brain.
Memories are there to protect us. They will come find you time and time again until you reckon the past to them.
You want confusion to stop? Stand by the facts of your past and silence the liars.
The fence claims another lamb.
Don’t let the fence of denial and confusion keep you stuck.