My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage around the second month.
I was married to a really miserable husband and the experience was very intense for me. I had just learned I was pregnant and I was extremely excited at the possibility of caring and nurturing for my own little baby.
It sparked a hope in me that I hadn’t felt before in life.
About two weeks later, I was struck with intense abdominal cramping and I began to bleed. I went to the hospital and was told I was miscarrying. I was sent home and asked to save anything I happen to pass.
Several excruciating hours later, I went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and felt a small mass of tissue pass. I tried to finagle the little package up the side of the toilet to save it.
I knew it was my baby.
As it reached the edge of the toilet, the expelled child slipped from my grasp and went down the drain. I could no longer see it.
I sat on the bathroom floor and cried for what seemed like a few hours. I had just watched my bit of hope vanish from sight.
I told my husband about the experience. It was July 4, 1983. His consolation for me was to sit with his ex-girlfriend all day at the celebrations we attended. I sat behind them and watched the fireworks.
I was deeply troubled by the experience.
Last night God woke me. He told me my son was with Him. That’s all I heard.
As I pondered the idea that indeed my first child is with our Heavenly Father, I thanked Him. He’d saved this little guy from the tortures that his earthly father would have given him.
As I’ve watched sexual abuse survivors, I’ve seen that men seem to be more damaged when their father’s are their abusers. They struggle longer to overcome, they stay deeply addicted and their self-destruction takes them out faster.
For the first time, I wondered if my miscarriage was an act of justice. This child could not be damaged by evil or distraught with a life of misery and injustice.
Maybe I have something in my life that evil could not touch and human choice could not damage. I like that thought. I like that thought a lot.