My father would do fatherly things from time to time, that’s why its tough to fully despise abusers. This day he was hanging a tire swing for us from a large tree in our front yard. I couldn’t wait to be on that tree swing. I wondered if that tree swing reminded him of his adolescence?
I’d studied at my father’s feet for years by now. I knew him pretty well – good enough to stay hidden from his rage most times.
My father had found this phony religion that he made us all follow. You know the religion where your heart stays the same but you speak words from the bible – its the most putrid kind. Anyway, I knew his silly games and I wanted to ride that tire swing.
After the swing was hung, he posed this question to all four of us kids, “Who wants to ride the swing first?” I responded with, “I’ll go last.”
I got to go first because the biblical reference to “those that are last shall be first.” His hypocrisy was an easy riddle.
My father knew one thing, however. The bible had a beautiful design woven through it. He knew if he mimicked this to outsiders, it was a fantastic disguise. Bible study in the front room, rape in the back!
When I left his house, I looked up to the sky and screamed in my mind, “God, get the fuck out of my life!” It took me years to find a God of love and mercy, a God who didn’t stink of falsehood and religion.
That was God’s real design.