Coming from childhood sexual abuse I brought with me a plethora of desires that I hadn’t conceived. Instead of playing with dolls as a small girl, I found ways to masturbate and manipulate the sexual parts of me.
It was what I was taught.
Anal curiosity came from sodomy as sure as watching my mom make eggplant parmesan gave me a desire to cook.
I learned I had to reassess what I believed I was choosing. Was it my desire or a learned behavior?
Did I like being mistreated by a monstrous man for 18 years or was I taught that was my calling in life? To serve others and give them their desires?
The desires born out of my heart were always there, somewhere lurking in the background of all the chaos happening around me but I never let those desires out. Instead, I played out the desires of the abusers around me and assumed they were my desires, too.
I was not taught to see myself, rather I was taught to see them. It’s a complicated piece to unravel. I had a desire to love them, right? Or was it a desire born out of pleasing them so I wouldn’t be hurt? Abusers change facts, deny reality and make you feel a responsibility in the abuse.
Did I really want all the sexual exploration or was I playing out what I was shown?
I believe I walked through life living the desires of those around me. I had to learn how to see myself. It was through finding my story and bringing it fully to God that I began very slowly walking towards the desires of my own heart.
This doesn’t take the blame away from any of my choices, but it is certainly the reality of how I lived. It’s the most beautiful thing that God did for me. He saw in me what others did not. He led me towards an inner beauty and dismissed all the other stuff. He knew I was entrapped by patterns that were designed for me and He helped lead me to the door of freedom.
This is a tremendously lengthy process. It feels selfish and unkind, at first – to see yourself. And then I realized that this is what I should have been taught as a child. If any of my needs had been met, I would have known it was okay for me to have a need.
I’m learning what my desires are today and am defeating the voice of those desires that are not mine but my abusers.