An unnamed enemy cannot be defeated. I am not your enemy. True and complete healing comes only from God. I cannot bring that healing, nor can you yourselves bring that full restoration.
I have disappointed you both, and for that I am sorry.
I am convinced that nothing can separate us from the love of God, not our mistakes, not our successes, not our failures and certainly not our wrongs. Unconditionally, He finds us. Intimately and closely He brings us to Him. He won’t miss a thing. I will. He won’t.
I have made some bad decisions and I hold no defense for those. Grace knows the backstory.
You both were never too much for me. It was the unbearable load of suffering and pain that entered my life when I fully opened my eyes to it – to you. I tried to catch moments of reprieve often, but I was fighting. You can trust I was fighting. God doesn’t just hear our prayers when we’re good, God hears our prayers every day of our lives and I was crying out to Him often.
Can you remember what we had at that table with your father? The table I prepared dinner for each night?
It was a guest every evening at that dinner table. You didn’t know me and I couldn’t find you, although I tried.
Codependency is a beast and each one of us served that Master well in our home.
When we left, I ripped that mask off, threw it to the ground and started being me. I had to. I’d been someone else’s puppet my entire life. I didn’t care what it looked like, but it was going to be me.
I’m sure I felt very different to you both. I kept drinking, started swearing, and dating, and running around, and learning how to stand up for myself. Learning how to stand up for you both. I’ve not hidden my thorns and scars from you, hoping that by seeing them, you can avoid them for future generations.
You both know I love C.S. Lewis. A great blogger posted this the other day:
I pray that our lives will be filled with forgiveness – both for others and for ourselves.
I opened this platform up to you because you asked me to. I pray these conversations help your pain be heard, help your voices become stronger and have your stories be known. I have never denied your pain being present at any of our tables. I may not always have the capacity to hold it all, but I’m here.
Our destiny is the honesty we bring around this awful subject of incest. It is our testimony. God did not create this trauma or have any part of the crimes we’ve endured, but He can and will use it for the purpose of good.
Unconditionally, I remain, your Momma.