I don’t live my life by winning or losing but by justice and grace. In that end, do you think that violent people – you know, the strong ones who overpower the weak, win in the end?
Oh, that’s right. This blog is about childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and incest. Not the violent.
Wait – what?
Sins against children are the most violent, terrifying of all crimes. That violence silences itself inside our souls somewhere. Hidden away – but, is it?
Right underneath the surface of my entire life lived FEAR. Pure, unadulterated fear. My first husband told me, “You were scared of everything.”
Why the hell wouldn’t I be? Everything in my young life had been something to be terribly frightened over.
My days included rape, and once murder. My nights were infested with the creatures of pleasure.
Of course I was afraid of everything. That’s a dog gone good natural response I’d say. Here’s the problem: when I left that house, fear didn’t leave me. It stayed right with me.
Fear has been with me my entire life. It seems to me the last of these hideous dragons I’m wrestling with.
Change. Lessons learned. Pain.
Fear has been the strongest to me. And, it’s cost me a lot! It has cost my children a lot!
You know what courage is? To stand up and fight when your knees are shaking. My voice was barely heard when I started to stand against my past.
But, it’s strong today.
The coward of fear has got to leave my presence now. I know better today. I have a great big God who stands and battles for me!
“Fear,” in the name of Jesus, get behind me!