Unconscious Territory

When I was about four or five, my father looked over at me when we were eating dinner. I had my fork in my right hand. He said, “if you were my baby girl, my baby girl would eat with her left hand.”

He had to say no more. I put my fork down and picked it up with my left hand. I’ve been lefthanded ever since. Although, I am quite ambidextrous.

The other day I thought to myself, I want to take back all of me from that enemy camp. So, I thought, “I’ll teach myself to be righthanded again.

It would take years to write with my right hand the way I now write with my left hand.

I wonder how many other unconscious choices I make that have the imprint of my abuser written all over it? Habits that I should walk away from that I keep because I have an unconscious bias to them.

I’m not fooled that their way of life lingers on in me – somewhere hidden.

It’s the redemptive work of healing that unburies those pieces and disengages their parts.

Oh, those mechanisms used to be at the forefront of all I did. That’s not the case anymore but I still feel their drum beats from time to time. The echo of yesterday.

I land with my strength for today.

I’m not an unreasoning animal that has not control over what I do. As I look back at abusers, I wonder if they showed any control over their desires? Giving in to wickedness only causes those desires to grow.

They couldn’t have the same reasoning I have. They couldn’t feel empathy or they couldn’t have destroyed the innocent lives they bled into.

This is a brood of vipers.

If Jesus called the Pharisees (a member of an ancient Jewish sect, they held pretensions of superior sanctity) “a family of snakes” – what do you think he’d call child molesters?

The next time you have a choice to make, ask yourself this question: “Would I be making this decision if I hadn’t been abused?”

Published by Gracedxoxo

I have the courage to tell my story to help others embrace theirs.

2 thoughts on “Unconscious Territory

  1. We were raised in survival mode, that means an imminent threat was present

    Physically our amygdala larger, hippocampus smaller, and prefrontal cortex a little compromised

    Besides that. Attachment ability is limited, trust is a minefield

    Look at the determination you have to invest that amount of time to be right handed

    The purpose to physically and mentally changed what an abuser did

    That must of felt wonderful

    Not many opportunities to fix the emotional stuff they did to us

    Like your father told you to be left handed, my dad told me what I was going to be and how I would think

    When I improved the first time, calmed, I became an extrovert

    My therapist told me, my father suppressed my personality with his abuse

    Now I am a hybrid, introvert mist of the time, but a crazy extrovert subsides in me also

    Who knew

    Some of the healing brings great gifts

  2. If there weren’t gifts through healing I’m not sure why we’d do it! Thank you for your comment and being here with us on this journey. Have a fantastic weekend, Marty!

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