Incest is a family affair. Each week on Mondays I’m going to writing to my daughters and share it here with you. On Thursdays, my girls will write back to me. Our intention is to bring the many aspects of incest to the foreground, shake them lose and leave them behind.
My grandchildren call me B, my oldest daughter is Brittany and my youngest is Brooke. We are The Three B’s.
The tragedy of living with your father for those many years is far reaching. His presence was like an octopus – it reached into everything. Our relationships with each other were deeply affected.
I was embarrassed of many of his actions, but he’d help me become free from my parents. I was not only deeply codependent when we met, I felt an indebtedness to him for the kindness he’d shown me.
When we met, for the first time, I had hope for a future.
He courted me and brought me tiny gifts throughout those early months. We laid on his bed and he’d hold me for hours. I remember soft light and the sound of music all around us. Seafood Mama was thing back then, they later changed they name to Quarterflash. They sang the song, Harden My Heart. They sing of a woman with pain.
All of my life, I’ve been waitin’ in the rain
I’ve been waitin’ for a feeling that never, ever came
It feels so close but always disappears.
I’m gonna harden my heart
I’m gonna swallow my
I’m gonna turn and leave you here
I know I’ve told you that story before but I wanted to start at the beginning. I believe your father and I had hope together – well, at first I did.
We were married after six months. He cheated the night before we got married. He’d probably cheated before that but one thing I know, he never stopped cheating.
He cheated each and every one of us. He tried to rob from me the most precious gift God had ever given me. You two!
But, we carry one. We build and grow each day by listening intently to the other. By allowing our pain and scars at the dinner table with no judgment.
I am with you until the end of my life and, I hope, beyond.
I first wanted to tell both of you, you were conceived in full love, honestly and with full integrity in my heart to be for you the best mother any little girl could ever have. I didn’t bring any understanding with me of what that looked like, but I was determined.
I am still determined and that remains the goal of my heart.