Lame, But Not Disabled

I entered adult life lame. I was weak and fell behind the others around me. I married my first husband at 18 to get away from my parents. He, of course, was a classic abuser and royal asshole.

My attempts to keep myself and my children safe around him, never seemed to work. I was ill-equipped at defense and terrified of him.

Oh, I tried time and time again to get away from him but nothing seemed to work. I was also a student of my parents’ charlatan Christian façade. This kept me bound to my marriage and bound up in deceitful, ungodly ways. They were all frauds but I couldn’t see it then. I was just being a good student – you know, a good girl.

What God would ever want a person to suffer at the hands of an abusive person? Before I had children, my face had been left scarred by a glass he’d thrown at me in a fit of jealousy. Would God really have said, “return to him?”

I don’t think so, but I returned to him time and time again.

He would hit and verbally abuse my children right in front of me, but I had no courage to stand against this man; sadly not for me or for my children. I despised him and wanted to protect us, but my attempts seemed futile.

My childhood had rendered me lame.

I reached out time and time again for help.

Once me and my siblings attempted to flee our abusive husbands. It was a complete shit show and ultimately I went back to him even after my oldest daughter told me about some inappropriate touching.

What the fuck was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I get away from this abuse?

I went to a church we were attending and signed me and my husband up for counseling. What a joke! We showed up at our assigned time and the counselor had lost our paperwork. The guy remember enough to tell us we were in a trauma V. A trauma V – we were in severe abuse and needed guidance and help.

My past had put such a thick layer of denial over my eyes, I truly could not determine the right way to go or the right person to listen to. It seemed I listened to every wrong voice and never my own.

I couldn’t stand watching the agony in myself or my children any longer and I finally found the courage to leave.

You know how I started getting on in life? I began trusting myself. I trusted my failures. I listened to the voice guiding me inside myself. I turned off all the noise of the outside world and all the sudden, I was beginning to see more clearly.

I wasn’t disabled, I just had to turn off the voice of the abusers.

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