Cowering From Myself

What a wretched time healing can be.

When I denied my pain, ran around ignoring myself, it seemed an easier path.

Well, I know this isn’t really true, but dang! Getting to know myself and being fully aware of most of my whole story has felt cruel. I actually know there are parts and parcels that are still hidden and I’m ok with that. I don’t need to dissect every act of cruelty done against me.

Just the acts that altered me, for better or for worse.

If I didn’t know a God that wants to be my intimate companion, I would not know who I am; not in all parts.

If left to myself, I would hide. I would cover my insecurities and my pain. I would cower from them. My pain has always felt insurmountable to me. I used to think that if I tapped into that current it would consume me.

Not so anymore, but sometimes I’m left looking at the rubble of my past and I’m sadden.

What can God do with sodomy? How do you heal from the theft of your virginity? How do I find the courage to embrace the vast destruction and the lack of loyalty and protection my parents feed me for breakfast, lunch and dinner?

I truly don’t have all of the answers, but what I do have is hope, courage and a future that is stronger than my past.

I’m sadden at times, but not defeated. I wander through the valleys of death and curses I came through, but I’m not lost.

Each day my God gives me direction. He guides my feet to still water and He encourages my soul.

When I cower from myself, I look to a gigantic God and ask Him to fix me. I ask Him daily to soften the blow of my past.

Healing is not for the weak hearted – unless, you find a way to allow God to step in.

How do you heal a broken heart? You don‘t. God does.