Twisted & Complicated

I’ve lived my entire life in this dilemma. The movies and TV tell us parents are good. Songs tell us that there is love in the world. Romance novels sell fantasy.

The only way I could see good as a child was through blatant denial or fantasy.

Love simply did not exist in my childhood. That is just truth telling. I ain’t mad. Never really was. It was just my reality.

The problem is that I have questioned everything good, but I didn’t question the bad.

I believed in the gnarly, ugly behavior I grew up in. That was my reality and it was the truth. So, where did I go look for love? In the same byproducts I was given through my childhood.

It’s complicated, isn’t it.

I love all of these books written to help abused children from the perspective of a bystander. It’s so easy for them to tell us which way to turn next, how we should be perceiving the world, and what our inner turmoil looks like to them.

I really want to scream, “Shut the fuck up!”

While they do a great job depicting our tragedies and struggles, what do they really know of the complications that riddle our souls?

Why are they so engaged in our behavior? Doctors of the soul, huh?

Yes, they’ve done some good for sure. And, the complications remain.

How do I look at an ocean and see no salt within its waves? You can’t. That is just what it feels like to look into the world and see no evil there. You can’t.

Evil is there. Incest is alive and well. There is nothing we can do about that. No one can stop it.

What’s really twisted is that there is this God that speaks of eternity. Most abusers use some form of godliness to entrap us. Then, we meet the real God.

What are we supposed to do with that? Hasn’t our faith been tattered beyond repair. We were never saved as children, we saw no interventions that helped us and now I am supposed to believe that God has been standing beside me all the days of my life?

That’s complicated.

No battle is won with just determination. Faith is a spark of hope. Faith is something I’m learning more and more about. To have faith in something good, well, – that’s a bit daunting to me.

I can easily sail against with the wind, it’s what I learned.

Can I now learn to sail into the wind and trust?

#aprisonerbynocrimeofmyown

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