Lackadaisical

Isn’t this the opposite of being vigilant? I don’t think I’ve ever known how to just rest in life. Being carelessly lazy isn’t something I had the luxury of knowing. Oh, I have lacked enthusiasm but not determination.

Almost before I remember anything else in life, I remember the will to live. It was etched into the fiber of my being. I had been accosted and sexually abused to such a point that my life was sometimes in danger.

I could never afford to be lazy around my care of staying alive. So, while other little children budding into adults played carefree and hade those lazy days of summer, I simply did not.

Living on red alert has taken it’s toll on me time and time again. I have a great faith and without it I wouldn’t still be standing.

Lazy – I want to be lazy, I think. Maybe just a lazy afternoon where my mind is free – not through dissociating from my present, but free when I’m fully present. That’s a task for me.

Addictions of all kinds bring a surrender in my being that I long for. That struggle is real.

Each day I get up with a stronger determination than I had yesterday to live out a life that is more free. Then, I fail. I get caught up in worry and distraction. I’m forced to let my mind play out some disastrous minute of my past. I don’t mean it to happen, but sometimes it just does.

With a recall of some childhood tragedy, unfortunately, the message that usually stays with me is the there is no one person safe of this earth and I must protect myself.

If I could become lazy around one thing, it would be that thing of distrust. I want to be lazy in my respect and adoration for people. What do I mean by that? I work so hard at not trusting – the opposite of work is doing nothing. Wouldn’t that be a grand thing – trusting people just because you can.

Trust is the last thing I give to anyone and it’s the first thing that I take back.

God grant me the freedom to trust you in my life, and help me be easier on the folks that happen by. My deeper prayer, Father, is that with my husband and children, I can eagerly anticipate their love, trust in their desire for my good and move on through life a bit more lazy, if you will.

And, Father, through it all, may I trust you with all that I am.

In Jesus name, Amen.

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