A Heartthrob

Romantic relationships for me have been wrought with destruction. If I didn’t pick an abuser, I didn’t know how to relate.

My amazing counselor of over 15 years has been with me through it all. I actually went to him because I wanted to learn how to find true love with a man. What I gained through my visits with him was so much more, but ultimately it did lead me to love.

Love with a man.

My husband and I had a conversation about sex the other day. It is a very important conversation between husband and wife, and one I have never had with a man before. I always just showed up and did whatever they asked. This conversation was very different.

It was a real conversation about sex! Imagine that.

He talked with me about his concerns. Concerns like, “you don’t want me to touch you there, you don’t want me to do that to you” and so on. He said, “you’re like a 56 year old virgin!”

I was so happy to hear that. For the first time in my life, I was making my own rules in the bedroom. While I want to give more to my husband, I will – in my time!

I had been going through some old terribly memories in order to heal and remove them and, during that process, I was removed from sex – just for a minute – maybe two. As an example, when you’re healing a memory of sodomy, you are most likely not going to want an action in that area.

Excuse me for being so blunt, but as victims of sexual crimes our love life is tainted, complicated and we still long for one.

I aim to tell the truth here. To help set us all free to love to the fullest extent.

Last night my husband and I made beautiful love. Our conversation evoked understanding in me. It also released my love for him, deeper, stronger and in more depth.

You know why? Because my love for myself is deeper, stronger and in more depth.

I am learning the art of saying no when I need to.

6 thoughts on “A Heartthrob

  1. I can relate Jodie. My past abuse has destroyed my intimate relationships and despite the lovely partner I’ve been with for the last 11 years, I still have issues and we’ve only had sex perhaps once a year for the last four years. It all started out so well but I know we need couples counselling — but I’m so scared.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. For me, trust is a big piece of the puzzle. The deeper I love and give myself, the more I’m exposed to more pain and hurt. Vulnerability is the way to an innocent embrace. Just give what you feel safe to give .. then one day.. give just a little bit more. Blessings

      Liked by 1 person

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