When I read the book of life as taught to me by my father, fear is a dominating theme. It was taught to me daily, in small doses and served also as big feasts. I consider witnessing a murder as one of those lessons.
A story written and directed by a man that was a menace to society, but he was my rule maker. I was a model student and learned his lessons very well.
F E A R ! D E A T H ! D E S T R U C T I O N ! D E S T R O Y !
It was my childhood story.
How do you unwire those very early lessons? I learned love didn’t really exist, it was replaced with compliance. I was rewarded for being fearful when he walked into the room. I was adored for my ability to be invisible and have no spoken needs.
These fables still live within me. I do my best to silence them, but the words linger. The message that I am unsafe, unloved and unwanted try to perch themselves on my being. It’s a lifelong battle to undue the power of the past.
I do my best to replace the stigma of fear. It’s sting has burned layers of memory into the fibers of my body.
The dragon, itself, is now deceased. Unfortunately, that doesn’t kill his message.
I journey on with the ability to discover new things each day. I try to rewrite the story with all of my ability. I cast away the fear that once encased me in silent suffering. I’m remarkably different today, than I once was, but the decay of the rotten flesh that once lived with me is still slightly noticeable, encroaching upon my days and echoing in the night hours.
I will continue to sail against the wind.