I shouldn’t be who I am. That’s one of the kindness gifts my counselor gave to me. He believed in me, until I believed in myself.
I am so very grateful for all the work I’ve put in to changing the destiny my parents offered me.
It’s taken a lot of forgiveness. That forgiveness hasn’t been hard for me to give to those that hurt me. The forgiveness I needed the most was for myself.
I can still sometimes hold myself in contempt for the patterns, the gestures, the choices I’ve made as a result of coming through such an upbringing.
I hold myself more accountable than I hold any of them.
Why is this?
I didn’t hold myself down and allow the rapes. I didn’t ask to be put in the room where a woman’s life ended in front of me. I just showed up in their mess.
Why then do I struggle and hold myself in such contempt?
Am I ever going to be good enough, seems the silent whispers that pull at my integrity. I am enough, I know that, but somewhere – quietly, I want to make myself pay for the damage I caused to other human beings by my failure to heal fast enough. To walk through the valleys of the shadows of death quickly and reach the other side.
This journey has not been quick at all!
Slow and steady the course has been. Sometimes three steps forward, and one step back. Sometimes the only movement I could make, felt like a crawl.
I am grateful for the courage this has taken. I am grateful that I get up everyday with the attitude that I will carry on. It is my only option.
I am most thankful for a God that continues to call out His great love to me when I’m drowning in a sea of self-pity and bad repute.
Today I will forgive myself deeper than I did yesterday. I am doing the best I fucking can.
Trouble, I’m leaving you behind today.