Stay Comfortable

If this were to be my mantra, I’d never heal. Ever!

Stay comfortable no good counselor would suggest. Comfortably numb, skills of denial, disassociation – these are my tools of comfortable.

Peace is another thing. Peace is something you gain in the midst of the uncomfortable. But, what does comfortable really mean?

The definition of comfortable is “providing physical ease and relaxation.”

Hmmmm, how does someone coming through severe trauma do this? With addiction and all the skills I noted above, that’s how.

Does EMDR provide comfort? Does talk therapy bring comfort?

Maybe sitting in a hot tub comforts my physical being but still it does little for the integration of the torment my soul can lash out at me in the some night hours or can it still the lament of looking at my broken child?

Comfortable! Ha!

I am certifiably an expert at trying to replicate it, sure. The problem is: I don’t know what it really feels like, do I?

Did I learn it as a baby? Was I comforted as a kid?

How do I attain something I’ve possibly never felt?

I don’t know.

What I do know is this, I continually sail against the wind because it was the one thing I was taught to do. I was also taught to stand in adversity, to sit at the table of mockers and dance the dance of unrest.

Comfortable. What a joke.

I am however, peaceful.