As I move through the lessons of healing, what consistently moves me on is the melody of God’s love for me. His songs rest in the deepest parts of me.
I’ve struggled through some memories that very well could have debilitated my physical being. These are the ways we could remain prisoners to our past. When the memory returned to me of my mother being on top of me, I was gripped with a sudden terror that I couldn’t breathe in life. I’d look up to the sky and fear that the atmosphere didn’t have enough air for me. If I walked into a building, I was terrified that I’d suffocate.
I should be stuck with claustrophobia but I’m not.
I went through another memory of being held down with my father, my mother and their best friend all participating. I struggled so hard as a child, my ankle didn’t work when I was allowed to leave the room. Healing that memory literally played itself out in my physical body with an ankle that hurt severely for months.
I believe I could have been left with these debilitating marks in my body as a result of a disturbing memory trying to break free that I would not allow. This is doing the hard work it takes to bring redemption to those dark recesses that had been buried in my soul.
I could have been left in permanent pain both physically and emotionally.
The deepest tragedies that have occurred to me when I was young, have always returned to me first through physical pain and just a very slight piece of the scene. Another example, before I had the murder scene complete, I had debilitating leg pains. Those are gone now but can return with a triggering event.
I’ve learned through the years that my body tells the experience with me. This phantom pain has the whole story written in its memory. When I finally see the entire scene play out, then grieve for the tremendous loss and maybe even have an outburst of rage at the fierce injustice of it all, then the my physical pain stops.
I have learned to thank my body for not giving up until I found the mechanism it needed to let go.
The chimes of God’s kingdom are forever ringing in my soul, encouraging me on when my strength fails me.
His songs are what sets me free in those dark, disturbed places that nothing else can touch.