Walking on Gravel

If you’ve ever been barefooted and walked across a course gravel road, you have some understanding of what living with a trauma is all about.

I do my very best to overcome the fear and anxiety that riddled my childhood. I read about neurofeedback and it’s wonderful gift to those of us living with PTSD.

And, I still wonder what life would feel like if I had peace as a child? Peace to feel the wind blow through my hair on a warm sunny afternoon. I wonder what normal means. I often wonder if my self-confidence would have taken on a different role.

I wonder what it would mean to a life if you were raised in love.

I’m not bitching here about what I’ve come through. I’m just trying to be kind to myself. I’m sure we all struggle in our way – just being human is a struggle for all of us.

I wonder if all people struggle with feeling loved? Do they feel worthy of attachment to another human being?

These questions roam in my heart as I wake up in the night hours. My thoughts linger during the day and question if I’m good enough. My heart struggles to be free from the dilemma.

The one thing I never question is God’s love for me. I know He sees my heart. I know He estimates my goals and smiles. I’m not sure He always likes the paths I take to get there but nonetheless, at least I’m moving in the right direction.

If this scripture is true (and I believe it to be) than I must be damn powerful, because in my frailty and limitations to be better, I am damn weak!

4 thoughts on “Walking on Gravel

  1. I think those of us that have been thru childhood trauma/PTSD struggle with love all around, so your not alone there. I call it The Wall. Tough getting out or in. Just the way it is. But God does ease the pain and help to open it up. Hang in there….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Definitely understand. I ponder this often and ache for the child that never felt sure of love, or much of anything, for that matter. And then, God reminds me how all these hurtful pieces of life can be brought together and become a beautiful whole in His hand. May He continue to reveal this beauty to you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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