I’ve lived a squirrely life at times. What else could I expect?
And then came the time when I committed to better things. I heard God’s voice calling to me in the desert, so to speak. I was parched and thirsty and in need of much repair.
The thing I liked about being squirrely was all the crazy activity kept me busy and away from my pain. Why on God’s green earth wouldn’t I want to be away from my pain? It all made great sense to me – just keeping running.
Until . . . until I became exhausted and depleted. The running I once did no longer brought the same relief. As a matter of fact, it started feeling rather slimy, if I’m to be honest.
Would I stay stuck in this mire and mud? Or would I make a commitment to change? If I was going to make a commitment to change I would need . . .
Hope is a dangerous creature when you come from the hopeless places I come from.
I had faith. Faith that life would bring me shit, death and despair. To hope for a different outcome was terrifying. I had nothing in my physical life that spoke of a better place.
My children were the closest thing I knew to hope, but that had been dashed in my first marriage when they suffered unspeakable damage at the hands of their father.
I had catastrophically failed. Now, I could barely believe I even deserved hope.
I was sick and suffering tremendously in life. I had to find the courage to make the commitment to change. No matter what it took, I was going to find it.
I didn’t realize that decision would bring me more pain, but it did. The commitment to heal walked me back through the doors of yesterday. Finding the strength to meet myself in those dark places was the very thing I needed. But, it hurt.
It hurt a lot.
I am standing today because of the commitment I made to find the integrity to turn around, face the demons that were chasing me and crush them.
I slayed that dragon. I owe it all to the One Who Made Me!
I am forever grateful and I hope!
2 thoughts on “Captured by Commitment”
I remember when I, too, found it almost impossible to hope – even in God. But somehow I found enough strength to hold onto the hope my pastor had for me, in my painful situation. And now I look back with gratitude 🙂 God does heal and answer prayer …
Oh, He most cruelty does. Blessings xoxoxo