A Keen Connection to Kin

To doublethink is mandatory when you are a child who has experienced abuse.

Another example of doublethink is thinking on the one hand that you have no hope of escape and on the other hand that it will be better tomorrow. It is, literally, double thinking. Somehow the mind splits so that both realities can be true.

. . .

Another example is the young adult who was sexually molested by someone he trusted: “My pastor sexually abused me and threatened to destroy my family and my future if I told anyone – but I understand. He’s a godly man, and I guess he was just struggling a little with his own weaknesses.

on the threshold of hope, diane mandt langberg, phd, page 114

I have learned there is no way to healing but through the pain. The way to find the pain is to stop all pretense and falsely releasing those that abused you.

Well-doers stop by my life from time to time to say, “I’m so sorry you’ve gone through such tragedy. I was raped as a child too but I’ve forgiven and moved on from that. It doesn’t affect me anymore.”

I call bullshit.

That’s classic pretense and damaging doublethink. It’s impossible to move on and be free from such atrocity without having gone back to your whole story- the origin of the hurt.

I found that my connection to my family kept me stuck and unable to advance in my healing, although I tried. I wanted to bring them with me. I wanted to see their healing, too.

I’ve learned that many of the people in my family do not want to heal nor do they want to reveal the ugly, hidden secrets.

When I ask myself why this would be true, can it be that they hide the sickness within themselves as a result of crimes they’ve committed? If this is true, how can I stay by them? If it is not true, why don’t they want to heal and reveal the incest?

If my family doesn’t disclose the truth about the abuse, how could I be certain that my children and grandchildren would be safe around these people? The strong answer is – I cannot be sure that my children and grandchildren will be safe. As a matter of fact, they most certainly are not safe around these people.

The trauma bond we share with our families is strong. So strong that I’ve seen many victims unable to walk away from it.

I am sticking by my signature song by Dwight Yoakam, I Ain’t That Lonely Yet!

5 thoughts on “A Keen Connection to Kin

  1. I’ve felt the same for years. I cut all ties decades ago. Took me those same decades to not feel guilty for being alive anymore too. It’s one of the good things to come out of 2020. I sincerely love myself and honor what I’ve been through. I care nothing for my abusers.

    Liked by 2 people

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