The Present of Presence

Growing up, I was never present in my body full time. I practiced dissociating when I could to ease the painful, daily experiences in my life. When I wasn’t checking out, I over ate to the point of distraction.

Today, I try to live fully aware of my experiences. I’m in touch with my body and I try to be aware of my needs. I can see my children now and that includes seeing their story in full array – their pain included.

The difference between the two is cataclysmic.

When I cloaked my existence and denied the many realities around me, I allowed myself to be mistreated, abused and violated. It angered me but I allowed it to continue. When I began pulling back the curtain and exposing reality, my world began to show lasting change.

The more I began to see my own scars, the more delicate I became with the people I allowed in my life. It’s an odd turn of events when you begin standing up for yourself and saying, “No more. I have tolerated your shit for the last time. You will not treat me with disrespect. You will not call me a liar. You will not change the facts of my story.”

You are no longer my family.

That’s a strong one that I believe is under-spoken to victims of incest. To stay together with these clowns in your family can keep many of us stuck. The closer you stay to them, the more your story will be kept hidden.

When I began being present in my own being, my body started talking to me. My soul cried out that they were unsafe and to leave them. My mind raced in confusion telling myself I needed to love them, stay by them and forgive.

I do forgive but all men do not have faith and do not believe they need change. We are deceived to believe that everyone comes to God in the end and says they’re sorry. They do not.

Mt job now is to stay current in the here and now. Not dream of relationships I may never have. This side of heaven, I will not know what it feels like to have a father to call when I need comfort or when I’m confused in life. I had something like that when I lived in his sinful, twisted world.

Being present in my current life means I mostly likely will never have a mother that calls me up to say, “I am so sorry for all the damage I inflicted on you. I was a miserable person and only had misery to give.”

That call isn’t going to come. And, if it does, it does.

Here is my current situation: I am happy most days. When pain comes a knockin’, I answer the door, invite it in, spend time with it. Then, I leave it.

That is why it is a gift to stay present, aware and seeking for my best. To know who I am truly is #priceless!

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