Incest left a scorched path of intolerable pain that I needed healing for. No amount of reparenting my soul was going to touch that pain. A yoga session was not going to be able to quench the sting of this long-laid plan to destroy parts of me and still the lost integrity to my soul.
The stories I’ve heard from my own girls about the incestuous relationship they had with their father almost buried me under insurmountable loss and burden. My soul begged God in the night hours to bring me rest from the pain.
While many self-care practices are helpful and bring some relief, none of them was going to be able to extinguish my deepest longing for freedom from a broken heart.
What did work?
A relationship with a God that was much bigger than any situation I had come through. A God that walked beside me, listened to me and cared deeply.
It was relationship that brought a balm of healing.
Not a god of rules that brought condemnation or punishment. I hated that crap.
God has been to me the most remarkable influence on my life. When others walked away and judged me harshly for things they didn’t know the whole story about, He never left me. Ever.
Not one time did I feel His presence leave.
If I overdrank to release the project of healing for a moment; if I ran away for some time to slow my recovering memories; if I dated the wrong men in an effort to quit restoring to people what I did not steal; whatever escape pattern I found myself in – God was right beside me.
He never quit me even thought I expected Him too.
When I have been angry and cussed at Him, screaming into the Heavens asking why He just stood by and allowed such atrocities, He was waiting for me to finish so He could comfort me.
I had such overwhelming pain that often it felt like only death could quench it. That is no longer true for me.
When I wake up now with a pain that is trying to rip through, my soul instantly cries out to God before my eyes are even open.
I know where the find the water my soul needs. I stay closer now to that source than I used to because I have learned He is trustworthy, constant and steady.
His love never fails.