My father took my virginity and he also taught me about god.
I’ve obviously struggled a great deal to learn the God of the bible. He is not the god my father knew.
In my very early years, my parents were without any form of godliness. After the murder and after we moved into the house in the woods, dad found something he referred to as god. He carried a bible with him everywhere he went and played Christian radio constantly. He held bible study in our home and found some little rinky-dink church to call home.
This pansy-assed charade lasted until his very later years but weakened in strength as he aged.
He and my mother were both so two-faced, I could scarcely find reality in those days.
One minute they are teaching a few stragglers about god – the next I am being raped and molested by them once again.
The dichotomy of this to me was wretched. I much preferred their wickedness unfiltered and without the horrible lens of religion. It did, however, up their game and legitimize them in the eyes of a few onlookers. Maybe that’s why my father used it?
Faith was nowhere to be found in this game. Their schemes were very well planned out. They knew exactly what they were doing as they got out their soap boxes and preached their version of religion.
The religion of pedophilia.
They were still my rule makers. I was confused by this turn of events and I didn’t like it. Now, my dad seemed to play out new rules. Rules that came from the bible as he interpreted them. Of course, he followed none of these rules, he just demanded that everyone else now abide by them.
Condemnation was now leached into my bloodstream. As he taught me, I was even more unworthy by this new standard.
When I left my parents’ home at 18, I looked up to the sky and scream at their god, “Get the fuck out of my life. I want nothing to do with you.”
It has take me years to unravel all the distortions my parents built in me.
Today, I believe in a loving God that blesses me daily and guides me into more truth. He teaches me there is no condemnation in Him.
Faith is where it’s at. Faith is now the wind beneath my sail.
5 thoughts on “Faithless Deeds of Darkness”
I am impressed at your ability to navigate your way to your own healthy relationship with God after all that you endured. Faith tangled up with abuse surely creates its own lasting impact.
It has not been easy for sure. God has been faithful to me. Thanks for commenting.
Wow, Jodie. Such an amazing testament to your resilience, and the real God’s grace.
Thank you. And, His unending faithfulness.