Sunday Morning Coming Down

Sundays – a day for families, a day for reflection, a day to be still. Maybe, a day for renewed hope.

All of my life I have struggled with love. What does it mean? What does it look like? How do I get it?

If you believe that God knew us while we were being formed in our mother’s womb, (as David in the bible wrote) then you must also believe that He knew what our lives would look like, right?

For me, that is a difficult thing to believe. If God knew who my parents were, then why would He choose to put me there? To be raped before my fourth birthday? To witness a murder as a child? To see such unspeakable acts that I can now scarcely recant them because I’m told it’s too much to listen to?

Ok, but why God?

Next, my children. Did you know them in my womb? Did you know that I wouldn’t have eyes that could see who their father was? Did you know that it would take me years to untangle the nets that were woven so tightly around my understanding that I seemed to have scales over my eyes in those years?

Why, God?

Now, I am to believe that you had only love for me? Seriously?

This feels like a dichotomy to me.

I was given a mother who despised me, a father who treated me as a mistress and a husband who would betray me and my children. In the same breathe I am supposed to speak that God loves me? That He designed this atrocity for me?

May it never be that I believe wickedness comes from the throne or deity of God. God cannot be evil. God does not bring evil. Rather, He came to defeat evil.

How then do I reconcile that He loved me before I was born and left me with my parents?

How do I congeal now to His love hearing the horrific abuse stories from my children?

Sunday morning coming down and I’m left with heart questions.

I’m also left with a determination to believe what God speaks to me. That He does love me. That He has been contending for me and my children, on our behalf, since I landed into this broken world.

I don’t have all the answers.

What I do have is this: choice. I will chose to give my story back to Him. The creator, author and finisher of my life. My story now belongs to Him. My memories with my children, of my childhood, I leave now in His great care.

Do with them, Lord, as you see fit.

12 thoughts on “Sunday Morning Coming Down

  1. YES! Jody, this is so beautiful. Also, I so admire you, for not believing the enemies scheme. It makes sense that such pain and feeling betrayed by God, has led so many away from the Father. Yet only to keep them separated from their only hope. ❤️

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  2. Good for you, Jodie. Satan wants you to doubt God’s love. God is love. Evil comes from Satan. Satan is a defeated foe. God will bring an end to all evil, suffering, violence, abuse, etc. God is your only hope. Continue to put all of your faith and trust in Him. Continue to tell your story. Don’t let Satan distract with feelings of pain and betrayal. Good for you for not letting him win by not turning away from or being led away from God because of your pain and feeling of betrayal. You won this battle. And with God’s help, you will win the war. Evil and Satan will be destroyed!

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  3. You’re welcome. And you have a blessed day. Good. You are a blessing to those who have been through and are going through what you have. I appreciate you and what you are doing. “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us (2 Cor 1:3, 4, NLT).

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  4. As you say, we do not have all the answers this side of eternity. Never though doubt God’s love for you, Jodie. That is immeasurable. He gave His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to die for you. Your suffering was a reflection of His death, just as your survival is a reflection of His Resurrection (2 Cor. 4: 10). ❤

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  5. In reading your blog- I see so many things that I have also seen in my life (not my father- but another family member, I could digress, but this isn’t about my story, it’s your healing)… so here is how I have come to have some reconciliation along these very same thoughts I too have had: we are all His children, and this makes us also all the brothers and sisters of each other, yes? And even though we are all Family, we know through experience that not every sibling is granted the gift of compassion, or openness or even approachability… describe it as you like, but in a bigger picture view, we are designed- and by way of life experience have been programmed and prepared for some younger “sibling”to come along and need our very specific healing- by whatever means we are able to guide them…. And so it is through our experience that we become relateable and thereby a non-judgmental helper to others, whom may seek us out for council and compassion in their journey- and not exclusion or gaslighting tactics so often used when others who don’t want to deal with or cannot otherwise empathize with a victim-

    As I try to reread and proofread my awful grammar and punctuation- I’m crying- so please give grace when reading- I am literate- I just am trying to help you see another way-

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    1. Thank you for your comment. I am having a little bit of a hard time understanding it. Forgive me for not knowing exactly how to interpret this. If you could help me with that. Thanks!

      Like

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