Peace is my next deeper quest. I also believe it’s a gift from God and something that I cannot obtain on my own – not completely. Shoot, not even a little.
When my mind returns the murder to me in the night hours in a dream, I have woken up in a sheer panic and literally unable to breath. Fully alert my eyes open to the room she was killed in. Before I have time to move, my head my heart are racing out of my chest.
Panic is not a strong enough word to contain the terror that has now gripped my being.
Peace has been an elusive part of life for me. I haven’t chased it because I’m not sure what it really is.
Dissociation is the closet thing I’ve found to peace – when I make it myself.
I’ve learned all the techniques from books and a fantastic counselor. I get it. What I also get is the sheer terror that grips my body that is not going to stilled by placing my feet on the ground and doing breathing exercises.
I needed the evil to be still that I’d witnessed in life. I needed justice to prove my need for comfort was real. I needed the liars voices to be taken apart and proved wrong.
I needed peace.
But, where did I find it? I’ve known Jesus since I was a little girl. No one around me knew Him – that was clearly obvious. What He teaches me now is what He has been teaching me since I was three.
I don’t do anything but receive from Him. His kingdom pours out peace in a way I cannot know without Him. It’s not derived from anything earthly.
It’s a gift that He gives and I am pretty sure I’ve had it with me for a very long time. Just now the waves of destruction are quieting down enough for me to feel it better.
Peace has been mine all along or I wouldn’t have made it out.