The Frailty of Being Human

I’m not here to write only about the part of my journey where I overcame everything and I now live fully victorious. If I wrote like that, I’d be lying.

Does Nirvana really exist? I don’t think so. If it did, I don’t want it.

I ordered Massaman Curry today. It was a dish my mother liked. I thought of her. I first forgave her and then felt saddened that I could never have known her as honest, good and caring. When I look in the mirror and see my reflection, I see similarities with my mom. I struggle a little bit with that fact.

I am human. This road of life is not about stepping away from feelings, but learning to manage them. Learning to release by exercising them appropriately.

The DBT skills taught for interpersonal effectiveness emphasize assertiveness, boundaries, and coping with conflict. Assertiveness focuses on developing your capacity to ask for what you need, even though you may be told no or risk feeling rejected.

The Complex PTSD Workbook, Arielle Schwartz, Ph.D, page 47

When I decided to make one final trip to talk with my father the day before he passed, I was terrified that it would one last rejection from him. It was not. He apologized for the murder. He didn’t tell me he loved me, but did love even exist with him? I had successfully asserted myself and asked for what I needed.That was all that mattered to me by then.

Does it mean that I can watch murder mysteries now? Not so much. It pains me that I am often triggered by a scene in a movie. I fight embarrassment, as once again, I’m forced to leave the room for fear I’ll have unrelenting nightmares. More than once, we’ve had to turn off a movie because I just can’t go there. I want to be normal and watch whatever I want to. I never will be able to.

Does that mean I’m not healing? To the contrary, it means I am.

I am weak if I make a mistake

The Complex PTSD Workbook, Arielle Schwartz, Ph.D, page 47

This is a common myth. Making mistakes is part of being human. Just like love and laughter, it makes us who we are. If I didn’t learn from my mistakes, how would I know how to love my grandchildren through theirs? Or better still, if I love myself at my worst, it will be easy to love me at my best.

12 thoughts on “The Frailty of Being Human

  1. Thank you for this ‘powerful’ and thought-provoking post my lovely. I get it that films or t.v. programmes can cause some anxiety, and having to turn over or switch off. Any scene where there’s that intense build-up and the anxiety-inducing scene! Nope, either my hubby will switch over or I have to switch off. He goes “Oh, no, you’re not going to having any nightmares tonight.” But I still get them anyway, most nights.

    I want to be able to watch crime dramas or thrillers without the anxiety or panic attacks.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “if I love myself at my worst, it will be easy to love me at my best.” – Yes indeed!
    I also have to avoid certain tv shows and movies. It has taken me some time to accept this about myself. But I think now I can more clearly view this as a sign of healing progress when I can recognize and take care of myself in those moments and change the channel…versus my older habit of dismissing my feelings and watching anyway. That method never ended well for me.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: