I was 22 when my memories started to emerge. I had a one-year-old beautiful little girl and had already been married for four years. I sat down one day at the kitchen table when my daughter was taking a nap, picked up a pen and just started to write.
“How my soul must have ached as I stuffed my pain and put on a happy face.”
journal ENTRY 1986
I remember being shocked at those words. For all intents and purposes, my life was ok. Right?
I didn’t live with the incest or murder in my mind’s eye. Those memories smoldered in the background and had been put away many years back. The abusive husband that cheated and ran around? Oh, that was nothing, too.
What hampered my growth in the beginning, was keeping the family I was born into, close to me. I was betrothed to them in a way that I didn’t know how to free myself from. Their gnarled nets had bamboozled me.
Would anybody ask you to have a relationship with a person who raped you? We all scream, “No, of course not.” But, that is NOT true when the person who raped or sexually assaulted you is a part of your family. Particularly when the family has some kind of religion involved. The charge is then – FIX IT. They’re your family. Find forgiveness. You’re bad if you can’t find it in your heart to love them.
Horseshit!
With everything in my being that is good, I know that response does not come from the throne of a loving God. It comes from an evil kingdom that wants you to remain enslaved to your past.
The maggots that infested my soul were only killed through exposure to the light and then removing my birth family far from me.
There was incest everywhere in my family line. By their own admissions: my father was molested by his uncle; my mother slept with her brother; the husband I was married to was abused by his mom; and his mom’s sister told stories of their father handing them out a window to be raped by another man. These are just the stories told. Imagine the plethora of untold horrors perpetrated and then passed down? Incest is generational and doesn’t stop without the deep and ongoing labor of sacrifice, truth-telling and accountability.
Would God want me anywhere around my family? Maybe, if there was full disclosure on their part AND if they asked for forgiveness AND if they received treatment. That is the only criteria by which you should stay close to abusive & dysfunctional families.
There is this amazing scripture where Jesus is talking to His disciples about following Him into service. It’s in John 9: Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
Those words were life giving to me. I didn’t follow His words for so very long because I didn’t think they were “Christian.” A good “Christian” would forgive, help the abuser make change, love beyond measure and embrace denial if all that failed.
The years of staying in relationship with my original family cost me the most. More than over-drinking, more than bad relationships – more than searching through the ruins of my haunted past.
Get away from them. Move your soul to a territory that is safe. Away from their wicked judgment and their false pretenses of sanctity. Speak your truth and leave. If you need to go back, go back just to find healing through speaking your truth. Then, get out.
I cannot say this loud enough. Do not stay stuck with them. Do not believe them if they reject your story. They rely on oppression and depend on deceit.
Probably the most striking post title I have seen and given the powerful content, one so appropriate.
‘The maggots that infested my soul were only killed through exposure to the light and then removing my birth family far from me.’
me too.
Gavin.
So glad to hear that! It’s not easy but so necessary. Sorry you’ve lived thru it too xoxoxo
thanks (-:
Incest is a word that is so hard for me to say even after all these years and 28 years after his death. Today he would be 75 years old. He was the apple of the little girls eye.
Your words tear me up. I get it. So does our loving Heavenly Father – who wants us free. I loved my father too and courageously fought myself free from him. I pray for you today xoxoxo
Thank you. You are the only person I’ve met who know the pain I feel, felt. I have buried the pain away for so long it doesn’t exixst anymore. Except on days like today, his birthday and the day he killed himslef.
You did nothing wrong. Deep love around you today … ❤️💔❤️
Its so true walking away is far better than coping more abuse. I’ve learned that the hard way.
Yes, I did too.
I just began walking away and struggle with the guilt of it as a Christian. It’s even harder to use the word rape or incest in any of my writings. Thank you for sharing this.
You are so very welcome. It is very difficult when, as followers of Christ, we feel persuaded that walking away is cruel. To stay is cruel – to us. When we see ourselves in God’s eyes, He would never keep us around abusers. Abusers know what they need to do – own it, apologize for it – get help. When they do not – they simply aren’t safe for you and your children.
I completely agree!
I follow your blog weekly. Reading your posts and harrowing experiences and struggles you’ve endured and have overcome have helped me find the strength and power to keep fighting, to keep living, to take back my voice, to find the courage I once had that was taken from me, to overcome the different obstacles and traumatic life altering/changing experiences we all face throughout our journeys in this life.
You’ve helped me to push beyond my setbacks and get up and live again. To keep putting one foot in front of the other. To not throw my hands up and say ” Thats it. I can’t take this anymore. I give up. I’m better off d…”.
One comment from one of your followers above said “its even harder to use the word rape or incest in any of her writings”. Its been 3 years since my rape by 4 armed intruders and I still can’t say rape or gang raped when speaking about it and have a hard time writing those words. Why is that? I found myself saying sexual assaulted after I came forward. When I look back its like I was making those 4 men look better by saying that instead of saying they brutally gang raped me. Why couldn’t I say those words?
First, I’m moved deeply that my words and story can help you. That’s why I’m here. As survivors of these crimes, it is for ourselves – I think, that we minimize and use lessor words. Our souls scarcely want to return to the event let alone talk about it. Minimization helps it be more palatable for us. When you’re ready and when you keep going those words will get easier. I’m praying for added strength. In Jesus Name
Thank you so much for being here. I too need words of encouragement such as this. It makes my motivation stronger to stay with it. All love!
I also want to add I’m so terribly sorry you had to endure such an experience. That’s miserable. I’m just so sorry. Healing prayers ❤️