I’ve worked in law firms for over 30 years. I’ve watched cases won, rights be fully restored and Indian casinos opened in return for what was taken.
What I have never seen is evidence manufactured.
Lack of evidence is a devastating theme in the world of childhood trauma. Whatever the crime, scarcely is there evidence enough to convict. The havoc of pain this causes, words cannot truly express.
When you’re raped at three but have no voice until you’re 20, where’s the semen? What scarring remains? It doesn’t exist. I’ve always called crimes against children the best weapon Satan has. A crime designed to destroy a person by taking everything but their heartbeat.
You journey alone with no proof but your witness.
This weekend, my husband and I took a trip to a beautiful beach town in our area. The murder that I witnessed as a child happened in a motel room, and because of it, travel is difficult for me. I push myself to go, but usually not without a small residual recourse. At nightfall, I laid down in the room of this strange motor hotel off a deserted highway. I couldn’t fall asleep for hours. When sleep finally came, I was woken by this dream:
My husband comes into the room I’m working in and his throat has been slit. It is open wide but hasn’t begun bleeding. It’s dripping slowly from one side of the blade wound.
Startled, I yelled at him, “You’ve got to get to the hospital.” His reply, “Ah, it’s no big deal.”
The dream continues with me trying to avoid looking at his slashed throat and he carries about his business.Dream Last Night
It’s now morning. I’m in a bad mood. I’ve been up most of the night. I want to cry and I’m angry. I’m angry because I couldn’t find the knife to convict the murderers. I’m angry because my own rapes and the rapes of my children happened so long ago, there is no way to bring punishment.
What am I most upset with? That the world seems to tell victims, IT’S REALLY NO BIG DEAL.
You know what? It is a big deal.
I want to say I’m sorry to every victim that couldn’t prove their story. For every rape and crime that not only goes unpunished but goes unseen. I just want to acknowledge that and say to you, “I am sorry and it matters.”